Published on 12, July, 2020
I watched this video today and found it very interesting and useful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYCJ9pvQJhA
When I was a young grasshopper, I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and overshared a lot. In hindsight, I realise why this caused problems for me, pushed people away and made me vulnerable to people who took advantage of me. These days, I'm a lot more guarded and careful - I don't feel the need to overshare with people I've just met or random acquaintances for example - but NT rules of oversharing seem to be quite complex, I find.
I am normally quite a closed off person irl, but every once in a while, if I'm in a bad place or if a topic is brought up that I feel strongly about, I do have the tendency to rant/vent (so when the bottle overflows, basically). I've had incidents where I've been friends with people for quite a while, but when I was in a bad place and overshared about something, those friendships ended abruptly. I realised retrospectively that this was my fault for incorrectly assessing the friendships. I noticed that many NTs have friendships that are solely based on superficial/light-hearted "banter" - even if they have known each other for many years and hang out all the time. Personally, I don't see the point of such "friendships" but hey ho, each to their own!
I've also had incidents where friends have opened up to me/vented to me about something on several occasions, and I listened and gave advice, but when I opened up to them about something, it wasn't well-received and they distanced themselves from me or were dismissive of me. This has usually been involving "cool" NT people, who would never dream of showing themselves as anything other than permanently happy and successful to their "cool" NT friends, who pretty much used me as a therapist, but didn't really give a hoot about me. I've had one-sided friendships like that that have lasted for years, because they would occasionally be super nice and generous towards me (when it was convenient for them or when they needed something from me).
Similarly, I've had one or two incidents with people I've known for a long time and spoke to regularly, and we were pretty open with each other about life and its tribulations, and then they would make excuses not to talk to me like "I'm busy" etc. If I would reach out to them about something (I usually always ask beforehand like "can I talk to you about something? I'm really struggling at the moment", instead of just offloading, because I'm polite and don't want to annoy my friends) and they would straight up tell me "I don't have time to hear about your problems". Later it had transpired that they were annoyed at me for some minor transgression or social faux pas, but didn't tell me, so I'd been downgraded from friend to acquaintance.
When the tables are turned and people "overshare" to me, I've also been known to cause upset. While I do feel uncomfortable if a total stranger offloads on me (due to bad past experiences mostly), I'm always there for my friends and always happy to help them. However, if someone I care about comes to me with a problem, my immediate instinct is "how can we fix this?" but if I give advice or come up with solutions, people sometimes get upset and defensive. Sometimes, some people just want to hear something like "oh, that must be awful, poor you". I do say such things to my friends who are more emotional and sensitive, but it feels inauthentic, and it takes me a lot of willpower to repress myself if I have potential solutions to their problems, because I hate seeing people I care about suffer... I've also had incidents where someone would vent to me over and over again about the same problem, I would give them the same solutions, which they would completely disregard, and carry on venting about the same problem...
What are people's thoughts on oversharing?
Thanks for the video. I like this guy and that was an interesting one. And thanks for bringing up the topic. It's useful. Also for being open because that helps others; it's helping me anyway. You know, you won't ever be accused of "over sharing" here, right? Because our stories are genuinely useful to eachother :-)
It has happened a time or two to me. I think because in order to not override other people's feelings, I need them to say what their problem is and how they feel about it. I will then respect that and help if I can. I find it hard to give consideration to a feeling I don't know is there. With that in mind, I share a lot assuming that other people need that information in order to know how to respond to me. That's certainly where some oversharing comes from for me. It took me a long while in life to work out that some people like to be private and this might have something to do with trust. And I'm only just working out now that most of the planet are working out other people's feelings, and hence able to show considerations, by means other than the verbal.
I do wonder whether NTs really do have "friendships" based on superficial small talk only. Is that really a friend? That to me is just some one you know to say 'hi" to. Odd. Can't wrap my head around that one.
For all I've made my gaffes in the oversharing department, I guess I'm lucky in that I've also met a few like minded souls with whom I have built a whole relationship based on our ability to be open about absolutely anything anytime. Those are friendships and they've lasted decades. Those are the people who know it's ok to call me in the middle of the night if they need me and are always there for me.
I do have a handful of solid friendships with NTs, but those NTs are different, don't give a hoot about status, and very much march to the beat of their own drum.
I think for NTs, they have different friendships for different reasons - eg one group of friends to play tennis with, one group of friends to go to the pub with and have a laugh with, another group of friends who are their work colleagues... most of these "friendships" are quite superficial, so it doesn't surprise me how they have so many "friends"!
I know NTs who have hundreds of "friends" but no one really close... or very few people... I think some NTs prefer superficial friendships, because they're a distraction from their stressful office job, which they secretly hate.I have two NT friends like that, not sure why they still keep me around... maybe cause I'm the reliable one who will be there for them in a crisis lol