Mum doesn't understand and is very ableist/insensitive

J over 5 years ago

I am diagnosed with autism and am 17. I have posted before about how I was really struggling with driving as focusing on so many things at once is very difficult for me. Whenever I told my mum about it she just said it'll come and to stick with it, which I understand but she refused to acknowledge that my autism may effect me more than just socially.

When I was first diagnosed all she would talk about was how I was shy because of it and refused to acknowledge any other difficulties I have. She hasn't said this but it's because she wants me to be 'normal' and being shy and quiet is ok, but nothing else about my diagnosis is acceptable for her. This has been made clear many times by the way she talks about it with me and how I can't tell her any problems I'm having because she dismisses it and refuses to accept that it's because I'm autistic.

My driving instructor has two daughters, very similar to me, and he was so understanding when I explained how I felt about using the gears and clutch all together etc. I've had three lessons with him now and he's great, I'm just struggling with focusing on everything and it's very overwhelming. When I explained this (though hyperventilating and tears) he said we can try to arrange a test lesson in an automatic to see if that would make it better. After the lesson he messaged my mum for me, I think he could tell I was worried to talk to her about it. When I went in I was really excited to tell her the plan and how good the instructor was with me but she was on the phone and had seen the message from the instructor. Here is what I heard:

"She's taking advantage of it" (being autistic, which she has said before when I won't eat a lot of different foods)

"She's not licking windows or anything she's fine just needs to suck it up"

I shut the door behind me and she goes "Oh that's her here"

I was so upset I shouted and swore and ran upstairs. She then went outside and spoke to the instructor, I didn't know this. She then came back in after a while while I was crying upstairs in my room and came up to say that my lessons were cancelled, which isn't what I wanted at all. She was saying something about how she didn't understand but when she spoke to the instructor she did, but I was still so upset at what I heard her say when she thought I wasn't there I told her to leave.

I'm still upstairs and haven't spoken to her yet. I don't really know what to do??

Please help

aidie over 5 years ago in reply to J

u're mum is u later on in life

she sees and understands that learning to drive is important. it helps u from being isolated. her objective is really good and its all for u.

just go downstairs ah make ur mum a cup of coffee or tea ........ here's the power move,, most people cant do this, ...... say u are sorry ,,, and thank her for all she is doing.

she may not respond ... so then make ur self a cup a tea ( offer her one ) and wait ( " this is the Art of Doing Nothing " ) turn on the telly and switch off for an hour.

when all is clam u 2 have to sit down and work on a plan,,,, u go for a compromise.

ask for a delay in lessons if possible ----- isnt the covid "freezes of everything" hitting u ?

see if ur mum can get 50% of her money back.

if its already paid for ( non refundable ) ask the driver instructor, to split the lesson down into even smaller steps - one gear and just steering say .... then just breaking

if your family are well off ---- dont worry about it just stop the lessons.. ask ( the driver instructor ) for a credit note for 5 lessons which u can transfer to someone else if need be or that u can use later..
J over 5 years ago in reply to aidie

I really appreciated the lessons, and yes, my mum has said before how she thinks she is autistic too, that's something that made sense but also I find it weird how she says she is while also refusing to acknowledge any problems that come with the condition. Oh well

I'm just not sure what's going to happen now with the lessons and learning to drive
aidie over 5 years ago in reply to J

many people would give their left arm for free driving lessons i know people who joined the army with the aim of getting a driving license. they need drivers so will train u up.

no one is wrong u and ur mum are both trying, trying hard, thats all

ur mum may be autistic or close !
J over 5 years ago in reply to aidie

yes please do, if I am in the wrong please tell me
aidie over 5 years ago in reply to J

hes correct there. i going to be deadly honest here, can i ?
J over 5 years ago in reply to Desmond79

yeah she definitely is, she's ok with the anxiety part but nothing else, I think it's because everything else would make me weird whereas anxiety and being shy is 'acceptable'
J over 5 years ago in reply to aidie

yeah she prepaid for ten lessons and today was the third. The instructors children are both the same as me so he was really wanting to help. He even said not to fall out with her about it, funny thing is I didn't even get to mention it to her before she cancelled them
Desmond79 over 5 years ago in reply to J

Sounds like a narcissist to me.
aidie over 5 years ago in reply to J

hes very likely to be upset as well and cant get between u and your mum. shes paying right ?
J over 5 years ago in reply to aidie

nope he doesn't which is why he wanted to help find someone who would be able to teach me. I don't know what my mum and him said to each other I just know that my lessons are cancelled and that's it.

I've messaged the instructor saying that I didn't know she would do that but he hasn't responded
aidie over 5 years ago in reply to aidie

does u current driving instructor have an automatic ? if yes, ask ur mum if u can proceed in an automatic car for 3 lessons then re-assess with ur driving instructor.
Desmond79 over 5 years ago

Your mum may be in denial of your condition.
aidie over 5 years ago

bounce, bounce back, this is all a mis-communication.

calm yourself

fix yourself