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Fleeting memories of happiness

Hope

I have known true happiness: As a child on holiday in Devon, at Clifford Bridge caravan-site. Pure freedom and calm, each moment a bearer of joy, abundant energy and optimism. The world was my oyster, the future there for the taking. The contrast between then and now is painful, bitter, and sweet. I am but a shadow of my former self, a sad case of decay and the death of self. Wordsworth speaks true in  his 'initimations of immortality, or recollections of early childhood':'where is it now the visionary gleam?'.

I died long ago. My true self is dead. Can it be resurrected? . I want to feel totally relaxed again, free, at peace, able to take in nature' s sights, sounds, and smells without the heavy weight of anxiety closing in on me at every breath. I mourn for the self that has died, particularly when I think about the zest for life that I experienced when very young.

Adulthood, to put it crudely, sucks. Fear, uncertainty and trepidation have replaced the old security, happiness and joy.

  • Something I struggle with on a daily basis, but which I think is good advice, is:

    Just 'be', and don't 'try to be'. That is, be yourself, and not the self you think others want you to be. The hardest part of this is often realising that the self you are is the self you think others expect of you.

    And, as KaloJaro sort of said: look for wonder, and the unexpected, in the world, and embrace it.

  • As someone now technically an adult, I've found myself worrying more about the future. Not so much the 'what if's', but more that its getting harder to find moments of enjoyment that seemed so abundant when I was little.

    At uni its acceptable to run about and do childish things, and the job I wish to pursue once I leave uni also justifies my 'childish' attitude i.e. having fun.

    But I do worry that one day I'll look back and realise I hadn't done anything that made me feel the way I used to. At 18, I've only just realised how precious a moment where you can simply feel joy and wonder with no questions, no doubts, no anxiety, is.

    All I can do is hope that by realising this so early on, I can do my best to preserve my ability, to find ways to enjoy bits of life (I'm not an optimist), and make choices not simply based on money and expectations (my family used to want me to become a lawyer :S).

    Hope (the person), I'd suggest this strategy I was taught by one of my teachers:

    Find something that can make you laugh once a day.

    I'm amazed at how much joy I can get out of small things like watching a lava lamp, or when the sky changes to different colours, or even inappropriate looking clouds. If you can claw back these small moments, then maybe you can 'rebuild' at least a sense of what you experienced as a child.

  • I like your first post, its very beautiful and poetic.

    Clearly you are alive and aware of yourself and your feelings,

    Thats a hard thing to do, many adults just disappear into a bad dream of work and stress and forget their childhood and lose themselves.

    Dont be afraid of fear, its a valid way for your soul to tell you to wake up and be alert.

    From this and other posts I can see you are thinking well and looking forward,

    things will get better.

     

  • Hi Hope

    Do you still live with your parents? Are you able to sit down and talk through your feelings with them? I'm sure they would want to do whatever they can to help you to try to find a way forward and maybe put some structure in your life.

    you mentioned holidays when you were a child. Do you still go on holidays now? You may find that going away somewhere peaceful with beautiful countryside may help you to relax again even if only for a week.

    Sharon

  • The future never exists it just looks at the past passing. I suggest.., review 1.)  what do you want ?, 2.) what you expect to get ? 3.)  and what do you get in reality? The closer these points are aligned the happier you will be. If you can not alignment better, just drop your expectations of 2.)  then they will align.

    Two friends out jogging,, one says to the other whilst a few steps ahead,, "Can you run any faster ? ", the other replies "Yes, if you slowdown more than me".

    Moral of my story, it is all relative. You have been running to much as an adult. Stop ! Hope. Also, having our mind situation representation(high anxiety IQ) needs to be reduced in all situations, our minds play tricks on us by ampification, to protect us.

    The difference between child and adult is responsibility of the mind, so maybe organising something in your life you have control off, may help your mind set.

    Thank you for sharing. I know it is difficult and I suffer the same but please show a bit of compassion for yourself,, you have been stronger than you think in past.

     

     

     

     

  • The  truth is that I can't deal with adulthood.

  • Yes, it is the reality of no structure, routine or security. No role or sense of purpose, no friends or social life outside of the family - not including social workers. I have had many rounds of CBT, all to no avail. The sad thing is that my anxiety grew during the unstructured years of secondary school , and I received no help so the anxieties just grew and grew.

  • This is how I feel too (except I had a horrible childhood, and my fleeting time of happiness was at around 20).

    I think this aspect of Asperger's needs to be understood and studied. 

    I don't know how to get rid of the anxiety which crowds in on me. I feel no hope for the future anymore. And the worst thing is it real, all therapies assume disorded thought, but this is not what it is. It is the reality of being as Aspie in an NT world.

    How can we feel relaxed again? How can the future be thought of without all this fear?