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Help. Christmas Family Crisis. Advice please :(

KaloJaro

Having a hard time trying to prepare for the family meet up with my dads side, problem is, I despise my dad to the point where I've taken to calling him my 'genetic donor'. I have had issues with him for 8 years now, only in the past year I have taken to avoiding him and trying to be civil for the sake of my nan and cousins. Of course, its inevitable I'm going to have to meet him at some point, which is causing massive stress for me. My little sister still gets on with him and keeps trying to force me to spend time with him even though I have stated on many occassions that I'd rather die.

If I go to my nan's at some point on christmas day (after spending it with my mum and step dad, who I live with and love) to meet my grandparents, aunts and cousins, I will be trapped in a croweded room, surrounded by at -least- 19 people, kids and adults included, all running about, talking and trying to drag me into conversations. The only way I've managed to escape is to take up residence in the toilet with an ipod for half an hour just to calm down. I can't leave because I'd need to be picked up by my mum, who doesn't speak with that side of the family, and she won't take me home unless I can convince my sister to go home too. She adores all the noise and chaos and often kicks off MASSIVELY in front of everyone, blaming me for ruining things after promising to try and help me.

Add to this chaos, the fact that my genetic donor, my step-mother (who I also hate with a passion) and their two son's, who I refuse to acknowledge as my step-brothers.

When I say hate, I mean I have dedicated hours, days, weeks trying to figure out my feelings for these people, I've been reassured by the cahms psychologist as well as other relatives that my feelings are justified.

My entire being is screaming at me to just call nans home phone on christmas and say 'merry christmas', then just stay at home where only a few close friends and other relatives will be there, and no one judges me when I need to get some space for a while.

But, the genetic donor has convinced my nan (who I recently learned today, had bowel cancer, overcame it and is now recovered, but kept it from the family the whole time) and my aunts on his side, that I'm going to just abandon the family because I don't love them, which logically implies I have to make more of an effort to prove I do care. Problem is, as said before, I want nothing to do with him or his 'new' family and only want to see my nan, aunts and cousins.

To top it off, he and his wife know I have Aspergers, they know I can only tolerate so much socialising or contact before I need to get away, but they refuse to acknowledge it. They openly mock me or seek me out to force me to 'join in' (three years ago, aged 15, my genetic donor physically dragged me back downstairs and made me sit down with my cousins despite me kicking off royally, my nan and aunt had to intervene and I ended up sitting outside in the garden with my cousin for three hours while the adults had a massive arguement).

Sorry for the massive rant, only this is stressing me out royally. I don't know what to do, how to deal with it or even how to begin processing it, beyond hiding in my room and turning off my phone.

Any advice? :(

  • Update:

    On the day, was dragged out of bed by my younger sister (aged 15) at 9am (was not amused) who I nearly thumped (luckily I was dead tired and missed) who was then told off by mum. Opened presents (mostly chocolates, and only one was a 'surprise' as the rest had been purchased when I was present) then had 'dinner' at about 1pm with immediate family, step-dads uncle (who I get on with) and my best friend from primary school and her mum. My sister had a friend show up midway through but even so there was a grand total of 8 of us for the meal, I went to my room with my friend and we both watched a dvd calmly for about two hours.

    I did end up going to my nans, only because I had been informed by both my grandparents, my aunts and uncle that if at any time things got too tense and I couldn't handle it, they'd take me straight home, no questions asked.

    Spent the majority of the time with the other cousins my age, watched tv, chatted to the adults who wanted to know about how I was coping with uni, and avoided virtually all contact with genetic donor, his wife and their twins. Ended up staying until pretty late with minimal stress.

    The biggest change about this year was that the kitchen was filled with food but the tables were out in the front room, so most people hung out there while only two or three at a time would be in the kitchen, meaning I could easily move from the living room to the kitchen without drawing much attention.

    Overall, Christmas was a success, all other relatives and friends of family seemed happy to accept I consider 'christmas' as more of a seasonal thing and seemed happy I'd remembered to make them a present rather than focusing on the fact they recieved it a week or so after the actual day.

    Been informed by mum that new year is gonna be a quiet affair, just the four of us, maybe a couple of mums friends dropping by, and some alcohol, so no reason to stress much.

    Thanks everyone for the moral support you offered. It really helped, as I had enough confidence to state for once that unless certain things changed, I'd stay at home, something I've never done before. As a result, the relatives that never used to take me seriously seem to have some form of respect for my feelings on the matter.

    Hope everyone had a decent holiday as well.

  • I just want to say that the support here on this site moves me to tears. 

    Kalojaro - Christmas day is your day too, not just theirs for them to dictate to you what you 'should' be doing.  Phone the family and wish them Merry Christmas and you do something for yourself.

    As what has been mentioned - the people who understand Aspergers will also understand why you need 'you' time.  The people who dont, then let them go... they can all have a merry time together.

    Let us know what you decide and how your Christmas day was.

    :))

    Denise x

  • Hi there - hopefully this might help but it will be very forthright (given I'm HFA) -

    Any NT person who says they understand your Asperger's is lying. Unless you are on the spectrum you can never understand it fully. You may be able to sympathise and accept the condition in another but you will never understand it.

    Kalojaro - your 'genetic donor' is never going to accept or try to understand you. I've had the same with parts of my family and I only give them small space now and they no longer stress me out.

    You do what you need to do, those who love you will understand that. Create space to spend time with those you can tolerate and perhaps enjoy a meal.

    I can't do the family Christmas thing but I love and miss my Mum - so... my Mum and I take a day which happened to be last monday (my birthday hee hee) and we had a meal out, exchanged gifts and did some shopping. I had a onderful time and so did she.

    Christmas Day - she will go spend time with family I can't cope with and I go out bird watching all day - a whole day by myself at the coast, I can't wait. And we're actually both happy.  It takes a while to get to that place but now we're there it works for everyone.

    Be brave Kalojaro and do something for you, stuff the rest (along with the turkey), and don't be taken in by their emotional blackmail. I think your Nan would understand.

     

    Does that help, I truly hope so - let us know how it goes and if you need to rant, we're always here.

  • Classic,, this is a story straight from my life also. Spend my life, running through the family bullshit hoops. All that happens is long-term you get cognitively harmed. Your fear becomes therefore disportional represented IN ALL THINGS over time by the stress. Because you are forcing yourself into uncomfortable situations, so half your described situation becomes a personal mountain which is not there.

    PLAN HOW YOU WISH TO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS,, take the Aspergers Pill and don't look back, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONFORM TO THERE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT. Probably half the reason you suffered as a child and still as an adult. If that means hiding in a box,, DO IT Smile without worry, shame or guilt. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF PEACE OF MIND.

  • Do your Nan, Aunts, and Cousins, all accept and understand your Asperger's?

    If so, simply don't go - do what you suggested - phone your Nan, say "Happy Christmas", and stay at home, where you feel safe, and comfortable.

    If they understand and accept the Asperger's then they will understand and accept your not wanting to go.