Hi to all reading this, my third post. Not efficient at typing, the sentence above varied …' Hi to all reading this, my turd post, third ghost and last roast.'
Please be aware these are my experiences and I speak for myself. It has taken over 10 years to put into context my experiences which are as fresh as this morning's coffee. No way do I presume this is a norm for those on the spectrum. Apart from username of zeno, all is fact.
Dear reader, allow me to converge back in time to the early 1960's when I was a mere metaphorical hush-pup. With 3 Earthly revolutions about the sun, I was 3-and-a-bit-years and un-informed. The copper-colored curly head of hair and blue eyes made me stand-out against parents and relatives who had the appearance of 'The Munsters'.
The house we lived in had ten rooms and a large garden containing 8 adults and 8 children in total with a 'stranger' who existed alone at the very top of this house - unfortunately all those who could have documented this 'stranger' have passed away. It was not until this year I was told of such a stranger being present in our home. As an aside, when presented with such a bizarre and partial anecdote, why tell me now? Another feature of my particular Aspy-ness, sure not alone in this, I ruminate, ponder, analyse and take years to figure what this means - and more often than not - not only solve the mystery but expose a lot more besides- a bit like a Sherlockian mind.
All the children would play with each other but not with me and I was on my own - my sister too preferred not to play with me. When my cousins were forced to play with me, I was teased for my appearance, voice and made a scapegoat.
It was not so much of being 'left-out' or 'left alone'. I mean - what possible template of experience did I have in order to confirm such a feeling of 'aloneness' - the point is I was blind to those about me and unaware of this blindness.
A form of mutism 'evolved' - the kind where I was too scared to speak and when forced, spoke in soft mono-syllables with the back of one hand covering the mouth and eyes. In addition, I would not move from the spot for hours as too scared. Bladder problems arose despite the 'pain' to which I eventually became immune. All of this going on at age of 3 with no one noticing the damage being caused to my evolving personality.
Despite the the internal machinations of an autistic-brain, no matter how severe, there is still a very delicate and sensitive personality co-evolving which is more easily conditioned and damaged by social-factors than is the autistic aspect of the self. For some, having to struggle with the social-personality, is a hindrance to the positive autistic-traits which may go unnoticed.
A template of negativity was beginning to grow in my head in the form of neural-nets configuring themselves according to the experiences impinged on them by the external-world and its alleged contents.
By the age of four I had a profound fear and trepidation of most people. Many, years later I was told by my mother that my uncles felt 'ill-at-ease' by my eye-gaze and some friends of the family had made similar comments. How is it possible for adults to feel uncomfortable about a quiet, timid child's eye-gaze? Soon the entire house was all ours….
Zeno
thank you for your time