Struggling mum with 10 year old son

Hi, I would like to stay anonymous for the time being so I'll introduce myself as Mrs B! HI! So I'm a mum to two boys, 8 and 10! My 10 year old was diagnosed with autism and PDA at the age of 4, he was statemented and put in a school equipped to deal with his needs, after hitting all his targets of his statement he was put back into mainstream school, which he struggles with, bullying etc. He currently does ELSA in school to help with his emotions, he has recently told us he imagines his pen is a knife and he wants to stab people who are horrible to him.  little background on his family life, I am married (not to his father) his biological has been in and out of his life from day one, other than that he is part of a very loving family but he seems to be struggling a lot with his emotions, he's constantly angry and agitated even at things that aren't there sometimes. His brother just has to breathe the wrong way sometimes and he's so nasty to him. Were currently in the motions of moving to a bigger house so he can have his own space, we will do anything to try and help him, he takes things very literal, at the moment he says something from YouTube has taken over his body that is why he acts the way he does, in a very negative way like I said above about the knife  (YouTube is banned from the house at the moment) I guess I'm just asking for some advice, strategies, ideas anything! Have you been through it and come out the other end? It's  very hard to see a way out of this situation at the moment, we get no help from anywhere, CAMHS have told us it's puberty but have given no advice on how to deal with autism and puberty! Thank you for reading. I welcome any tips! 

  • Hi.... I am autistic. When I was little I was once aggressive towards another person but new this was wrong and felt incredibly guilty afterwards. The only way I could cope was to turn the physical aggression onto myself and internalise a lot of my difficulties. This was really destructive too. Things are much better now. The things that have helped me are: understanding that humans have three basic response patterns. Fight or flight  (also freeze) (sympathetic nervous system) rest and digest (parasympathetic).

    For me working out what was triggering my sympathetic nervous system was key. The things that trigger it for me are

    • Touch
    • Visual stimuli
    • When I feel off balance (physically)
    • Multiple competing noises
    • Buildings where there are big open spaces (like assembly halls).
    • Not enough movement and muscular exercise in my day. 
    • Social interaction demands (break times)
    • Frustration at not being understood
    • During periods of really high anxiety anything could be a trigger for me too.... Especially people coughing (I appreciate this is not very empathetic) 

    In adult life I put in place lots of strategies that for me help activate my parasympathetic nervous system to manage this:

    • Running
    • Living in a small space 
    • Yoga
    • Time by myself
    • Time in nature
    • Using music and headphones
    • Limiting exposure to busy environments
    • Drawing (very detailed pictures)

    Understanding my sensory systems were key..... All 8 of them. Vision, auditory, tactile, proprioception, vestibular, olfactory, gustatory, interoception. You can find lots of useful info online and on the NAS website. I would highly recommend asking for referral to an occupational therapist trained in sensory integration. To help work out what is going on for your son. 

    Also the book 

    Reframe Your Thinking Around Autism: How the Polyvagal Theory and Brain Plasticity Help Us Make Sense of Autism
    Book by Holly B. Elliott
    May help.... Really hope this is helpful. As an adult I feel really sad/guilty for my parents and what they had to go through with me. It must have been really difficult but their support and unconditional love was invaluable and has helped me to get where I am now. I couldn't always show it but I love/loved them very much. 
  • Hey thanks for replying. My son has openly sat in front of a gp and said he feels like hitting us etc. There's just no help out there and it's really frustrating! How do you manage? I thought toddler years were bad, I'd love to go back! Lol x

  • Hi, I’m new here too, and have a 10 year old boy with autism and adhd. He is violent a lot of the time, it’s really hard. 

    I hope you get some answers x