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Ex Husband issues...

MrsP

Does anyone else have issues with ex husbands just refusing to see what is in front of their face?

me and xdh split up when ds was 2½, we are both remarried (ds now 6) - to be honest alot of our reasoning for splitting up was exdh complete inability to deal with ds - they never really "bonded" tbh and there were alot of arguments about whether i "babied" ds due to his behaviours....... anyway moving on..

Exdh absolutley refuses to acknowledge ds has autism.. everything i mention is responded too with a "oh i did that when i was a kid" or something simaler (i suspect exdh is somewhere on the spectrum tbh as he is completely unable to deal with emotion of any kind and has simalier tendancies to ds in many ways.

Anyway i spoke to him tonight about a particually bad melt down ds had last night and he response just floored me, he said that he cannot understand why ds is so different here as he has no issues with him (this is the same man that has NEVER taken ds out on his own!!!), he even went so far to say that he has "provoked" a melt down but its never happened so he doesn't understand why it happens with me (yeah cos you having him 2 days out of 14 means your an expert yes????????) He basically insinuated tonight that if DS lived with him that his issues would disappear as  (and enter absolute maternal rage) his wife is brilliant at calming him down when hes cross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so in one sentence he insinuated that not only do i cause the meltdowns but also that his new wife is better with my son than i am!!!!!!!! I am beyond livid...... Its me that does the school run, me that is up with him when hes sick or tired or frightened, me that deals with the obsessions, the melt downs, the never ending appointments, me that did the ASD course, that lived at the GP's trying to get the support in place but oh yeah she can bloody cure him can she??????? He even went so far as to ask me if i would put a camera in ds's room so that if he has a melt down and i leave the room we can see if he continues the self harming behaviours when im not there to "play too". 

The worst part is we have a psychiatrists appointment in 2 weeks and exdh has suddenly announced that hes coming to it :( im terrified hes going to make it sound like its all my fault and ds's support will be withdrawn (my rational head says that everyone involved knows its ASD and they wont withdraw a diagnosis on the basis of just his say so but still.................... Why cant he just accept it? why make it all my fault?

At the moment im torn between saying "fine why dont you do it for a few months and see how you go? and actually being worried that maybe he has a point... :( Ds doesn't melt down with his dad - That said his dad never challenges him on anything and is happy to just let ds play on the computer all weekend (they rarely if ever go out) - his argument is that he had ds on holiday for 2 weeks and he didn't melt down then (i did point out that i had ds for 6 weeks in school holidays and he didn't melt down then either!!)

Just once it would be nice for him to see it in all its glory.........!! :(

Parents

  • hi - yes - it's me again!  I have an ex.  Been an ex a long time now.  We both remarried a number of yrs ago.  My ex drove me mad at times, inc when we were together.   It's difficult when you have children + you split - whether they have autism or not.  Mums usually do all the day to day stuff, have loads of responsibility, fight all the battles + get little or no credit for it.  The ex just gets on with his new life. We can, justifiably, feel hard done by. I know I've felt that way + have been very upset and hurt at times.   Saying that I think we have to recognise there are dads out there who are loving, responsible, good parents who do most or their fair share of the parenting.   There will be disagreements over parenting styles.  I don't think my ex understands autism in depth.  At times my ex has really upset me with decisions he's made, but that would happen regardless of whether our son had asd or not.  He does not have to take into account the things I do before making a decision about his life.  He hasn't gone thru what I have over the yrs.  He doesn't give me recognition of that.   I wonder if your ex is saying these things to have a go at you?  It's so difficult when you have to see each other regularly + your son goes to his house.  Sometimes it's easier for a couple when the ties are severed completely or you only have to see each other now + then.   Unfortunately when children are involved it isn't easy to cut the ties.   Would it be so bad if your son spent a bit more time with his dad?   As far as I can see he hasn't had him at his home for any real length of time.  It would give you more time to yourself and your ex might discover that his "superiority" is misplaced??  

Reply

  • hi - yes - it's me again!  I have an ex.  Been an ex a long time now.  We both remarried a number of yrs ago.  My ex drove me mad at times, inc when we were together.   It's difficult when you have children + you split - whether they have autism or not.  Mums usually do all the day to day stuff, have loads of responsibility, fight all the battles + get little or no credit for it.  The ex just gets on with his new life. We can, justifiably, feel hard done by. I know I've felt that way + have been very upset and hurt at times.   Saying that I think we have to recognise there are dads out there who are loving, responsible, good parents who do most or their fair share of the parenting.   There will be disagreements over parenting styles.  I don't think my ex understands autism in depth.  At times my ex has really upset me with decisions he's made, but that would happen regardless of whether our son had asd or not.  He does not have to take into account the things I do before making a decision about his life.  He hasn't gone thru what I have over the yrs.  He doesn't give me recognition of that.   I wonder if your ex is saying these things to have a go at you?  It's so difficult when you have to see each other regularly + your son goes to his house.  Sometimes it's easier for a couple when the ties are severed completely or you only have to see each other now + then.   Unfortunately when children are involved it isn't easy to cut the ties.   Would it be so bad if your son spent a bit more time with his dad?   As far as I can see he hasn't had him at his home for any real length of time.  It would give you more time to yourself and your ex might discover that his "superiority" is misplaced??  

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