Relationship advice needed please

You're welcome, Cathie. Honestly, the way you describe it almost sounds like he has a wife or similar somewhere else. I definitely think you owe it to yourself and your kiddie to find out where you stand; keep it calm and non-accusatory but don't accept any more excuses. If he's eager to continue the relationship, then I'm sure he'll be open to putting in place some strategies to support that. Best of luck, babe. Xx

Hi Nessie,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I have been wondering for some time whether it's his autism or whether I'm making excuses! I don't think he is a jerk, I think he is a very caring and good man (even if he shows it differently). But I'm not completely sure... We both instigate meet-ups but sometimes I feel like I instigate more. I have a child from a previous relationship so I like to plan ahead but my bf doesn't seem to be good at remembering things. We have arranged to do something and then the next day he has forgotten about it! He also tends to turn up late and doesn't always seem to realise that he's late and that it might be stressful for me. Sometimes he responds quickly and then sometimes I don't hear from him for a few days. I text him most days, just to see if he's ok, but don't always get a response.

Alarm bells have been ringing as I do sometimes feel like I'm doing most of the chasing. He apologises for not being in contact, either saying he doesn't know what's up with him, or that he meant to message me, but then got distracted and forgot. It definitely does feel like out of sight, out of mind, and feels like he's not into the relationship, which is very different to how it is when we're together. Those seem like really sensible steps to address this! I do need to talk to him about how I feel explicitly and have come to realise that I maybe need to be completely direct with him. But I'm not sure if he is committed to me, or wants to be!

He likes to speak on the phone rather than text but he has no phone signal where he lives so I can't just call him, and we have to message via whatsapp.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and giving me some advice. I definitely need to have a conversation with him!

Cathie x x

Hi there,

I know you've cut your story short (and I don't blame you for it!!) but I think it's important to establish if it is his autism that is responsible for his behaviour, or whether he is just a jerk and you are excusing it because he is autistic. Out of interest, how do you arrange your dates/meet ups? Does he instigate or do you, or do you take it in turns? Do you schedule the next one at the end of the current one or does one of you make contact at some point in between times? How quickly is that responded to?

If you're the one doing all the chasing, then maybe that should set alarm bells ringing. Does he actually apologise for not contacting you or give you a reasonable explanation when he fails to do so? It's true with autism that out of sight is often out of mind and it's not personal (even though it probably feels that way to you), but I would have thought if he were really committed to you he would have tried to take some steps to address this (whether they have been effective or not). For example, when I first started dating my now-fiancé, I would set reminders on my phone to text or call him because it wasn't intuitive to me but I knew it was important to him. Gradually, I built it into my daily routine, so I would text him during my lunch break at work, and call him every other evening after I'd had dinner.

It's also worth finding out what his preferred mode(s) of communication is. For me, I find speaking on the phone incredibly daunting, even more so when someone has rung me seemingly out of the blue (in my mind). I prefer email or text message, but that's just me, and you need to establish what is him.

If he genuinely isn't ignoring you and it's just his way, then perhaps setting reminders on his phone to make contact with you would help? Over time, you will find a happy medium for the frequency and form of communication you can both co-exist on, and that might mean you need to moderate-down your expectations at the same time he needs to dial-up his. Of course, if his behaviour is because he just wants to be friends with you rather than romantically involved, but doesn't know how to articulate this, then you may need to bring this up in conversation for him. Either way, it will help him clarify his feelings for you and help you know where you stand.

Hope that helps a little?

Nessie xx