Hello, this is a long one I’m afraid, so my OH was diagnosed with autism and Aspergers a couple of years ago now he’s in his late 40s, we don’t seem to be able to communicate and I find him quite selfish at times ( I don’t know if it’s just him in general or purposely) we haven’t had a intimate relationship for over 4 years now since our last child was born,I’m struggling with this in particular as I don’t see there’s a point in being in a relationship, he blames me for wanting our last child even though he didn’t particularly want to have another child ( I’m younger and only had the two and wasn’t done having children) I can be quite untidy at times but not dirty if that makes sense, I have a full on job and suffer with anxiety at times, I feel like we haven’t got anything in common and when he try’s to bring up a conversation it’s how bad of a person I am and that I don’t do anything, I get angry, we argue and then he’s frosty with me for days, just to add he doesn’t work but does an amazing job with our children, when I do get time away from work I tidy the house up, when we do have a conversation it’s usually about his bug bears about me and feels more like a lecture and literally just drains me.. I do love him and try to do my best for him but I don’t know how much more I can take of this , I’m treading on egg shells worried that I’m going to offend him,as he gets offended with even the smallest of comments for eg I told him he smelt of popcorn once ( he was sat eating it) and I was the worse human on the planet! And he called me an abuser! I’ve got so much more to say but I don’t know how to say it.. anyway any advice on how to communicate with him so he doesn’t keep thinking I’m the wicked witch of the west and make him happy would be much appreciated!! Tia
dont worry about being untidy.
sounds like a complete breakdown in communication
all i can suggest is marriage/relationship counselling
if thats a no, then a trial separation, i guess.
sorry it just sounds like a relationship breakdown. he cant see how awkward he is. i am a bit like that. it took a psychotherapist to point out the rules in my head where so wrong.
maybe he has a mental block of some sort, (ie a rule set, which u have broken in his eyes) but he cant just blame everything on you. he has to bend more.
could you contact his mum or his sister/brother, to get to him how seriously he is hurting you and messing up his family?
from what u have said this is all him being a twat !
remember as Temple Grandin says "you can't use autism as an excuse" -- buy him her book for xmas "the autistic brain"
Thank you for your reply, I think you nailed it when you said “he can’t see what he’s doing” certain things he does I find unconventional and wrong but he won’t be told.
unable to talk to parents as they both passed away, if I was to talk to his sisters he’d say I was talking bad about him and running him down occasionally I’ve spoken to friends and he’s not happy with me moaning about him to others, I explain everyone vents to their mates. I know I’m not always right but occasionally I am, but he’s never wrong.
Really sorry to hear your situation. Home should be your refuge after a days work.
Regardless of an ASD diagnosis, your husband’s behaviour sounds very controlling, more like emotional abuse of you.
I would echo the advice to get marriage counselling. No-one should have to put up with that demoralising behaviour from their life partner.
With regard to the influence that your OH’s diagnosis has and family life, I wonder if your he needs refuge from the chaos that children can bring for someone with ASD? What I mean is that I am awaiting assessment for ASD; part of the many reasons I think I’m on the spectrum is that sometimes I just need time out to myself away from my lovely children even; just because their natural craziness as children just gets too much for me.
I spend a lot of time with my headphones clamped over my head at work and home when I need time out to calm down when I have too much information coming in. It’s just my way of coping.
Your OH has a duty to find a way of coping with family life so that you can all live together in a loving, happy and nurturing environment. If after that his behaviour is still controlling then you’ll know whether he is controlling as a separate aspect to his ASD and make your assessment of the situation accordingly.
You need to look after yourself. There is only so far you can bend over backwards before you break.
Best wishes x