Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
My name is Sam and I am new to this forum. I am almost 23 years old. I have Asperger's Syndrome and have potentially bagged myself a date with a girl I met through some friends around 2 months ago. Anyway, I am going through a dilemma where I am unsure how this girl feels and I am anxious that scared her off due to my persistence. Anyway, here is my story:
Around 2 months ago I was set up with this girl I met through some friends. They sent me a photo and a video of me and mentioned that I was single and potentially looking to date somebody. This girl wanted to meet me so around 2 weeks later we all met up at a local pub one Friday night. It went very well and we engaged in conversation the whole time. We both work in health and social care so we bonded over our work experiences and shared some of our experiences with one another. I was told that she is a very shy girl who is quite reclusive which I can definitely relate to due to my disabilities (I have ADHD too). Anyway, the night ended well and we hugged.
I added her on Facebook as I asked if I could and she said that's fine. I also messaged her to say how much I enjoyed meeting her and that it woulnice to see eachother again soon. She immediately accepted my friend and replied pretty much saying the same thing. We messaged eachother continuously throughout the week and I asked for her number which she happily gave to me. We were meant to go out the next weekend as it was her 19th birthday but at the last minute she cancelled on me and our friends. I found out the reason being was that she had her parents around her and felt "awkward bringing a lad she might be interested in whilst her Mum was there" which I can completely understand as I would probably feel awkward too.
So we met up again last Saturday with our small friendship group as we had been messaging and texting eachother to arrange another night out. One of my friends asked if he could join us as he was bored so we were like "yeah sure thing". Anyway, my friend turned up and had been drinking all day so he was quite drunk. Me and this friend are very silly together as that's our sense of humour. She arrived shortly afterwards and sat down between me and her friend and my mate said to me "I think she likes you bro as she seems very shy and awkward around you" as she initially had her back turned to me to talk to her friend.
It was at one of our local snooker halls so we played pool and me and my mate were just being silly. I noticed how pretty she looked and I complimented her throughout the night and she smiled saying "Aww thank you. I thought I would make more of an effort this time round even though I am not that in to makeup". Finally, after her and her friend had finished in the toilets I plucked up the courage and said "I know it's early days but do you fancy going out for a drink some time soon just the two of us?" and she smiled whilst saying "Yeah that I would be lovely. Sounds great although I have some late shifts coming up so I don't know when we can but I am sure we can sort something out" (she is a healthcare assistant at the hospital and wants to become a nurse).
The night then ended shortly afterwards and we had a very awkward hug. I found out from her friend that she said in the toilets "I don't know about this as he is being a bit silly". I was crushed. I panicked and my mood darkened and I just kept repeating "That's it. I have blown it as she felt uncomfortable due to my eccentric behaviour". My friend felt terribly sorry and said "Bro, she said 'yes' when you asked her out. I could tell straight away how nervous she was around you when she arrived. She likes you mate" and her friend said "It's too early to promise anything yet so try not to worry about it". I texted her and messaged her a few times to apologise for my behaviour and mentioned that I liked her and wanted to get to know her properly. I also decided to be honest about some mental health problems I have been struggling with lately. She hasn't been very well herself and was happy to open up to me and keep me updated so I thought it was best I did the same as it's the main reason why I behave the way I do at times.
She eventually replied after a few days as her texts weren't coming and said "I really hope you're okay and it's good that you're getting some of the help you need and hopefully put things into perspective and don't worry about Saturday Xx". I was chuffed. So I then asked her how she was and mentioned that I was still run down due to my mental issues and asked if she wanted to arrange something when I am better. She replied "Oh no hope you feel better soon, yeah just not sure when I am able to though got a lot happening Xx". I am worried that she might be having second thoughts. I messaged and texted her a few times to see how she is and mentioned that once we're free we can arrange something. I also mentioned that I might go abit distant from messaging her as I am trying to sort out my anxiety. I haven't had any replies since and was wondering if her texts aren't going through.
We are meant to be planning a seaside trip at the end of month and she seemed keen on going but I haven't heard from her. After not messaging for a few days, I decided to phone her last night as I just wanted to make sure that she was okay not to hassle her into meeting up again as I am a little worried she might be feeling poorly again. It just went straight to answer phone after I phoned twice (first time I bottled calling her as I was worried about coming across as 'creepy'). My Facebook messages have been sent but haven't been seen by her which I was told is a network issue but I am worried that I am coming across as a 'stalker' but I just want to know if she is okay. I haven't been removed or blocked by her on Facebook so I presume she isn't entirely creeped out. But I am worried that I have scared her. I phoned her as I thought my texts might not be going through.
I have developed a crush and ofc due to the Asperger's it becomes 'obsessive' and I am worried that I have scared her off unintentionally. I am gonna leave off contacting her for a week but I really like her and want to build up a friendship and then see how it goes. What do you guys think? I am worried she is 'ghosting' me cos of my persistence and eccentricity and I wish she could be honest if she doesn't want to see me again. Do you think she is scared and lost interest? Or could it be the mobile's network having signal issues? Can anyone offer me some advice if that's okay?
It sounds like she did like you but had second thoughts when she saw how you reacted around your friend. Sharing so much so soon, especially around MH, could also have made things difficult as opening up to someone you don't really know can lead to increased feelings of vulnerability and uncomfortableness, which may be another reason this person is avoiding contact.
I have had to learn over time to take things slowly at the beginning as too much, too soon tends to put people off.
If she already has numerous messages she hasn't replied to I'd avoid adding any extra pressure for now, such as getting a friend to chat to her, as that could make me feel overwhelmed, 'stalked' and put me off even more.
As you have a shared group of friends I'd leave it for now and then catch up with her the next time your all out together.
You may have to put this one down to experience and move on.
Great advice!
It could be any of those things. Many people find it hard to engage, and suffer insecurity and uncertainty when starting new relationships.
Perhaps contact the mutual friend with a quick and simple, "Not had any replies from her for a couple of days, could you make sure she's ok? While I'd love to hear from her don't tell her to call or text me, that needs to be her choice."
That way she'll find out you care, without you going all stalker on her.