TW: depressiveness and familial issues.
If you find yourself in a difficult emotional state currently, or might be effected by someone else's emotional vulnerability- please don't continue to read this post to prevent upset! <3
I'm a 16 year old girl who recently has been diagnosed with ASD, this whilst bringing a sense of slight smug relief at finally getting the answer I've pinned for for upwards of 5 years, has also re-surfaced longer existing feelings of despair and self-loathing. Selfish as it sounds, I'm growing more and more tired by peoples asking of me to 'co-operate'. Everyone, my mother namely has stated there needs to be a '50/50' split.
Not realizing my entire life has been a split of 90/10, the 90 being on my part. This is of course a result of years of masking, which despite the efforts it takes to do so, doesn't seem to be as effective as the name implies. More so, everyone's attitude is that I:
'should try harder' because I need to 'live in society'. I feel under a persistent pressure to lie to others for their sake at the expense of my own happiness, sense of self and freedom. Much as this concerns the people around me, I can't help but feel they're more concerned that I'll instead decide to throw caution to the wind, and stop masking. Not realizing that I spend hours of relentless strife, emotional and physical pain just to avoid them having a moment of inconvenience.
I know deep down that all isn't hopeless, and I've continuously raked myself out from darker places, but I'll admit- it's so tempting just to give up. I wonder sometimes if being selectively mute may be better. That if I say nothing at all- I can't say anything WRONG, right? It's all incredibly overwhelming. There's so much more I desperately want to discuss and open up about on this forum simply so that I no longer feel so alone.
For someone who has a tenancy to rant, I ironically always feel that I'm being talked AT, and lectured under the guize of 'tough love'. As opposed to spoken WITH, emotionally supported and guided respectfully and knowledgeably through these issues.
