Published on 12, July, 2020
My life feels like it is coming to an end and I will need to run away and never come back. I am literally done with people. All my life I have been too slow with learning difficulties, to shy and too anxious to feel normal.
At the age of 24 (in 2007) after wondering why I had repeated episodes of depression I was referred to a community mental health team who after doing tests diagnosed me with Aspergers. Initially, at the time I felt relieved as I thought id finally get the support in would need to get better. Then I realised that the diagnosis would become the biggest problem in my life. And I will list everything here:
6 Jobs ruined because of the condition because I cannot cope or work with others, additionally I have been bullied time and again, and even raising company grievances I have been proven to be right that I have been bullied. One of the jobs I worked in silence about my condition and worked on 24 feature films, but then it was destroyed by a massive emotion breakdown caused by Aspergers in 2012.
Just this past week walked out on a job due to aggressive members of staff and bullying.
Always falling in love with people who are physically and mentally to good for me and having my heart broken. I have never had any relationship of any kind, I feel abnormal and different.
Resulting in alcohol, overeating, which has caused me now serious debt.
Repeated states of serious anxiety and depression.
Anxiety has caused me to fail multiple driving tests and fuels my drinking and overeating, I am so unattractive i am not good enough for anyone. I used to be slim before the diagnosis but after finding out there is no cure it is hopeless.
So disappointed in the level of support I received back in the late 2000s, referred to local autistic trust who simply said I could read their library books and go bowling with other autistic people, but little guidance on how I could cope with Aspergers. Also, my parents at the time told me to ignore the 'label' i was given as it could stop me from driving and may cause me to be alone forever.
I am hypersensitive to noise and currently have to live in a block of flats where neighbours blast their TV into my bedroom till the early hours.
The place I am at is simply wanting to run away and stay in a tent regardless if there is no food. I simply cannot be around people as they are bullies all of them or simply care about themselves and their non-autistic friends. I am on the verge of being homeless as I have walked out of my job before my notice period expired as a member of staff who I thought was a friend humiliated me in front of a bunch of people. Every aspect of my life is a nightmare, I am not allowed to sleep, physically I am a failure as I am fat, I have no career any relationship no hope. I tried the past 12 years to deal with this mostly on my own but from the evidence you see here, I must have Aspergers.
I simply need to be able to set up my own business painting (painting pictures as this my main talent), I have tried the 'day job' over and over again and I am a bully target and cannot work in these institutions anymore, the past 12 years proves it doesn't work and I WILL BE BULLIED AND HUMILIATED. If I am able to avoid these types of people then I will be able to have the energy to grow and hopefully make myself better.
Is there any support out there? Financial to help someone who has supported himself for the past 12years and due to the lack of support been bullied and then made to drink to ease the pain, are there any retreats for someone to go to get the emotional support required to build themselves up again. I cannot be expected to get better if I am constantly thrown into agressive enviroments.
I have often wished to live in a commune or other alternative community for the reasons you've listed here.
I had to quit my last job because they did not understand why I would want to work away from the tiny staff room and their banter. Why I did not take part in the social aspects of work life unless I wanted to. Also because I questioned their practices.
I am a teacher - and I've found that working in an environment which is actually catered for disabled students has helped me! As the teachers are understanding, their aren't things like loud bells and shouting is banned! The atmosphere in a place like this is not cliquish (I don't know if this is a word) and everyone just gets on with their work.
Getting the right environment is really important.
Have you tried working outside? With animals or plants?
You have an interest in painting which is really cool - have you got a website?
Interms of finances - go to a citizens advice bureau. You could also get grants for art projects you would like to work on.
Have you applied for PIP and other disability benefits?
I know you think that the whole bowling with other peeps won't help - but actually they are the best people to give you advice about what they have done which works or doesn't work!