I have asperger's syndrome, but I do not look 'disabled'. Whenever I tell someone that I have AS, they-the un-trained average person-will say, 'I would never have known, it must be very mild'. But my AS is certainly not 'mild' in terms of how it reduces my life; it only LOOKS mild because of my ability to mask my difficulties, and because of my high levels of insight into my condition and self-awareness. So what am I supposed to say? To agree that I am 'mild' would be dishonest, but often I am not in the mood to explain all my difficulties: how I need to be in control, have serious anxiety problems, constant tension, no real connection with other people, the loneliness and confusion.
People are also surprised when I tell them my age. THey are shocked, thinking cnnot possibly be 23 yrs old. I look a lot younger than my years. As a result of people not taking me serioUSLY, I have no sense of identity. I guess it makes me feel angry and even more confused. Mild, eh? I could not make friends at school, I cannot get a job, I have extreme obsessions...I was only diagnosed with AS two years ago. It was a massive relief because I used to think I had a personality disorder. THe psychiatrist and nurse specialist in AS noted all my difficulties and told me that I should have been diagnosed when I was a lot younger. AS is such a big part of my identity now, and having met other people with AS, I have found out that my difficulties are not unique, that there are other people who are very similar to myself, and not all of they look 'disabled', even though they are actually very disabled; it is all hidden. I just wish that other people, without AS and who are not professionals, would not express srprise when I tell them. I know that they probably think they are being kind, that it is nice to be told you don't lok disabled. But for me, being told this just makes me feel confused, like I am in a no mans-land of not fitting in anywhere
