Published on 12, July, 2020
Yesterday at work a colleague reversed into my car. I didn't see it happen but I saw him get out of his car and check the back of both cars. He then came in and went back outside with another colleague and he looked at the back of both cars. I can see this from my office window - they obviously did not think I could see. I was furiously waiting for an explanation. They came back in and the one responsible for hitting my car 'thanked' the other one and they both got on with their day. I was so angry. I've bumped into somebody else's car in the past before, and even with no mark, I'd still tell and apologise to the owner.
As the day went on the likelihood of an explanation and/or an apology decreased and so did my confidence - did he really hit my car then? Self-doubt started creeping in and I couldn't go out to my car to check because I didn't want to bring unnecessary attention to the situation. So at the end of the day I was last out and could check my bumper. The dirt on the back had been smudged by fingers and there were fresh cracks in the paint work. He HAD hit my car. It played on my mind all night.
This morning am I going to check cctv but I don't have access to it - I'll have to ask another colleague to show me it on their computer. It's an open plan office so it'll be obvious as to what I'm looking for. When I see the evidence what do I do? The situation is made worse by the fact my bumper is already cracked so badly underneath that I wouldn't get it repaired anyway - it probably needs replacing. (My car is bright yellow and I've never owned a car that's been hit by so many other people. 2 have gone into the back of me previously and I've already had it repaired! It's yellow! How can you not see me??).
I am 99% sure, even with evidence, he'll lie about it and I'll be forced into a public confrontation. I hate dishonesty. If he'd have told me yesterday I'd have thanked him for telling me and told him not to worry.
I don't need this on top of my already stressful job. I am correct to pursue this aren't I?
NTs have all sorts of weird sub-text and stuff going on when they say stuff... it's damn near impossible to work out what they really mean LOL!
There's something about taking money from people that I'm incredibly uncomfortable about. Even from close family members, I just can't. I don't know why. I emphasised to him I'm really not after the money. But as you have alluded to it's probably the AS/NT communication thing at play again. By insisting I really don't want something he mistook that as "I am trying to appear friendly and forgiving but actually do want the money from you, I just feel uncomfortable addressing that in a direct manner". But actually when I say something I mean it.
I'm getting much better at understanding NT behaviour but I couldn't use the skill of saying something that isn't true in an attempt to get something I actually want!
I think you've handled this well and the confusion above is because he's responding in a way that would 'work' on an NT.
You probably should have taken the money to pay for repairs - it would restore your pride and joy to its previous glory and (weirdly) would have made the other party feel better.
By not accepting an apology or money you have put them at a disadvantage as they'll feel they 'owe you'... hence the offer to make you a drink, they're trying to 'redress the balance' and regain 'face'.
FINAL CONCLUSION:
So he just went to leave early and I had no choice but to follow him out, I caught up with him just outside the office doors - not sure if anyone could hear, don't really care. I asked him if he had anything to tell me and he said "your car". Here are some of the things he said:
I said I wasn't looking for an apology now so don't care, I don't want your money, all I wanted was for you to tell me at the time. I said I was disappointed in the way he acted, that he felt he couldn't come to me. He concentrated a lot on the damage and refused to really talk about why he didn't tell me. 3 times I tried to end the conversation and tried to walk away but he kept talking - I don't know why? It was very obvious I'd heard enough of his bull. He kept talking about money and damage. So I just had to repeat I don't want his money, nor his apology now, it was too late - he should have done the right thing.
I've found out the other person involved was the one who found his car resting against mine - why didn't he tell both of us?
Oh and at the end he said thanks for coming to me about this. The hell does that even mean?? I walked away confused... He'd also come into my office and offered to make me a drink this morning, so he had plenty of chance to remember he'd hit my car last Thursday!
I have the feeling I was the one who felt more uncomfortable though but I did tell him other people were aware of the incident and the fact he didn't tell me. So even if he still thinks he got away with it, because let's face it he did, he should at least feel sheepish the next time he's in the office with everybody knowing what's happened.
Thanks for input guys.
Here's an update (I've been really busy the weekend to reply). As I was leaving work on Friday afternoon the person looking at the cctv said it's without doubt he's hit my car because he left the handbrake off and it rolled across the car park into mine! This confuses me even more - it's a more forgivable accident. Before telling me it was reported to our managing director so they are aware and very disappointed, I've had texts of support over the weekend.
I've gone about this as peaceful as possible so far and have the backing of those who know. I just can't let this type of injustice go and I definitely can't let somebody think they've gotten away with it. Some spoons are worth spending!
He's had the weekend to think it over and is off for the rest of the week after today, so come 5pm is he hasn't owned up, I'll be having some polite words!
Slightly OT but thanks for teaching me the phrase Pyrrhic Victory! Well worth keeping in the mental toolbox......
As someone who's made two claims in the past, if you're not at fault, which the OP isn't they won't have to pay any access and it shouldn't affect your premium. It didn't with me, in fact, my premium dropped considerably over the following few years despite me declaring the accidents every year.
The person who hit your car has had ample time now to speak to you and offer to pay for any damage off the books. They chose not to do this. It's your choice and I think you'd be an incredibly kind individual if you chose to take Plastics approach. it would eat away at me that I'd let this person treat me like **** and then went out of my way to show him the kindness and respect he didn't show me. A fair but firmer approach would work better for me.
If the car is old and already damaged, and this latest dink is very minor, then claiming will be a REALLY bad idea.
You will immediately cost yourself your excess - and for the next five years, every renewal will ask "any accidents or claims in the last 5 years?". Answering yes bumps up your premium.
How much damage is it really? Enough to cost yourself a load of cash?
And you have to PROVE it was the other person to get your excess refunded and claim no fault on renewal.
Look up 'Pyrrhic Victory'.
I would suggest going up to the person and light-heartedly saying "Someone told me they watched you bump into my car, get out and examine the bump and then drive off - why didn't you tell me?" 'Somebody saw it' creates a fake 3rd party who is the snitch. 'Watched' means more detail than 'saw' it. Giving the detail about getting out to look at the damage is in line with the truth and you've put them on the spot - if they say - oh, sorry, I didn't know who's car it was, then you go forward with sorting it out.
If they flatly deny everything, you're free to call them whatever blunt name you can think of - and go and get revenge in the car park. .
I can understand how annoying that is, it's so easy to interpret their behaviour in ways that put your stress through the roof. So what I would say (and it's easy to *say*, far less easy to *do*) is that the number one important thing here is you and your mental health. So - do whatever you can to look after that. Whatever you've learned in the past that you know helps, do that. Don't let your mind persuade you that it's better (or necessary) to stew and ruminate and fuel anxiety (I know this is how my mind works). If necessary, force yourself to do something distracting that gets you feeling good & then peaceful.
I hope it all works out.
I agree, I am a claims handler for an insurance company. The other insurer will have to investigate.
Don't worry about your colleague, the insurance companies should work it out without much input from you.
Good approach...
Non-accusatory and someone-else can approach the perpetrator if the CCTV shows them.
An apology at this point would be meaningless to me. I literally want them to know I know, with solid proof of the incident. I want to expose them. Why should I be the one made to feel uncomfortable about this?
I've taken a softer approach and emailed requesting the footage. That way I'm not opening myself up to questions from others. I'm not sure I could hold my emotions back or think fast enough to carry on 'playing dumb' - at the moment I've phrased it like: 'I think my car was hit on the car park yesterday'
I would agree - if you really want to get a response (are you looking for an apology? Sorry I'm not quite sure what you hope to gain from the confrontation, perhaps I've misunderstood) talk to them in person first, take someone with you if that's a bit easier, but I wouldn't send a letter out of the blue
That's kind of the 'nuclear option'... might be better to try a softer initial approach...
He sounds like a right areshole. If you have the evidence I'd:
1. Contact your insurer and make a claim
2. Report his failure to disclose the accident via the local police email form
Why should you make life easy for him when he's treated you appalling? These actions would only take a few minutes and then any further action is on the hands of your insurance company and the police.
I'd be tempted to send the following email to your colleague...
Dear xxx
Yesterday I saw you bump into my car and this impact has caused damage to my bumper. As it's the respectful thing to do, plus failure to report an accident is actually a crime, I was expecting you to speak to me about this and it's been both upsetting and frustrating that you haven't.
I've obtained CCTV of the incident and have now forwarded this to my insurer and have contacted the police about your failure to report the incident.
Regards,
xx
Original Prankster said:Expect that if you hold it together during you will most likely meltdown afterwards,
This is kind of my point, life has enough stress in it already so why make it more stressful
Not saying anything would eat away at me like acid.
I'd maybe say to the guy "Is your car ok? My office overlooks the carpark and it looked like you bumped mine yesterday..."
Then see what he says
Ideally do this somewhere that's not public - maybe step into an empty meeting room or somewhere quiet
Think about what you want to say in advance
Don't engage emotionally a the time - if they start to 'raise the temperature', step away and suggest that maybe it would be better to discuss it later
Expect that if you hold it together during you will most likely meltdown afterwards, so try to arrange a safe space and an exit route to it (maybe sit in your car).
Fingers crossed
It's an expensive car (to me), and my pride and joy. To the eye's of an aspie it's dinked and damaged a lot, to NT's they wouldn't even notice (perhaps why I wasn't told about it).
In the old days, cars were expensive purchases that you kept for years.
Now they are thought of like washing machines - no-one cares - it's just transport. Look around Paris parking lanes to see that everyone just bumps other cars out of the way. People have no respect for other people's cars.
Also - if your car has loads of dinks and damage, they just assume that you don't care either.
It's the act. It's not just a car to me, I love my cars. This one is already tainted to me because of how many times it's already been hit and this has just made that feeling worse. Why do people think it's ok to damage somebody else's property? I spend hours and hours cleaning, polishing and waxing it. Each time there is a new mark.
I'm leaving this company in a couple of weeks so I don't really care about the potential ongoing atmosphere. I'll be working from home again soon away from all this ridiculousness.