Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
First off, I don't really know if this is the place for me (in terms of posting in a forums). I was diagnosed with autism at a very young age and I'm now 18. The whole subject of it makes me feel weird and even when writing this I feel a mix of strong emotions with my hands shaking. The reason I'm writing this post is recently I have felt alienated and feel like I'm not happy myself from a 3rd person perspective. I have had this throughout my life but it keeps coming and going at certain times and the older I become the more I learn about how I behave and socialize. If I take a step back and look at my thoughts throughout life on self confidence and self identity I'm so damn confused.
I have some cool friends and around them I feel like a cool person I'd like to meet but when I carry on with daily life (talking to people in public, making new friends, etc) I feel like a weirdo and idiot. To cut to the chase, the main reason I'm asking for advice on this matter is because of my progress within martial arts. I have been doing martial arts for around a year and a half and I'm lucky to have some really nice and influential people in my class. I do have to note that they are all older than me and the youngest being 21. I idolize my teacher and want to be like him so much. When I go to my class my personality completely shifts (it feels like it does) and I become more timid and shy. Even my voice feels higher. When I say something to my teacher I feel like an idiot no matter what it was because I look up to him so much I want him to be impressed.
An example of this strange behavior, the reason why I'm addressing it and writing this post, about 4 hours ago I had my class. We were doing a sparing/demonstration type lesson in which you would test your stance and core movements to block a simple punch in different ways. Whether I'm throwing the punches or receiving them I'm doing them in a timid fashion and occasionally will retract my arms and legs when I should be holding position. (which is not good! I honestly think it's due to low self esteem in that environment!). Anyway I don't want to bore you with more martial art stories, the desired result is to be less shy when practicing in that environment.
My martial arts class is just a small snippet of what life can feel like most of the time, me being an idiot. For the first time in my life I feel like I want to be a cool person who can offer a lot of personality and charisma. I've destined to try and develop my character more over this year and I want to start by asking you readers, how can I become more confident and charismatic? Even after writing this up I feel like not sending it but at the same time I want to find a solution.
Sorry to write so much,
If this is not a suitable place to ask these questions please tell me.
Sounds like you are overthinking it all personally. I'm not trying to be rude, just seeing things from my perspective.
I have quite a few friends, and I do come across as a bit "weird", admittedly. I'm a massive goofball, and I don't worry about it. From what I can tell, that's actually helped me in quite a few social situations. Some people must like it, I dunno.
NAS61575 said:For the first time in my life I feel like I want to be a cool person who can offer a lot of personality and charisma.
Who says you aren't already? Have you thought about that? Seems like you aren't doing too badly.
I was diagnosed far later than you, but after I was diagnosed I started second guessing myself as a person. I realised I was who I was, and autism didn't change that.
Confident, and charismatic is one thing, genuine and true to yourself is more important. Everyone struggles around new people, regardless of whether they are autistic or not. I have "NT" friends who always worry if they have said the "right", or "wrong" things when they meet people.
Just carry on being yourself. It's easier, and you will have friends who like you for being you.
As for the martial arts stuff, just keep practicing. It's not a normal thing for people to be throwing punches and kicks at you. It takes time to get used to. It's nothing to do with being shy, it's to do with practice.
NAS61575 said:If this is not a suitable place to ask these questions please tell me.
We have threads about all sorts here, even biscuits. That thread is a personal favourite........!
Thank you for the response. I think you are right, I'm just overthinking social situations and 'trying to fit in' then using that against myself.
When you said you had 'NT' friends what does that mean? I don't know anything about autism apart from the ways it affects my life and the fact I have high functioning. Half of me still rejects that I have autism. I know it's really stupid saying this on a forums about autism but I honestly I'm in a sense of denial around the whole subject. The older I get the more I push it away, even now I'd only discuss it on the internet with strangers and never face to face with anyone. I know it's dumb.
Have you ever had low self esteem in your life? If so how did you fix it? Was it just being yourself and letting the time come? Or was there other methods. Please I will try anything just to feel better about myself. I can't stop looking at myself as trash or a failure. It's got better since I was younger but it stills makes me feel unhappy.
And for the martial arts, you are right. Practice is everything. That is my new goal, to grow a backbone hahahahha.
Again, thank you for your response, I respect that. You've helped me open my eyes to see more clearly, definitely about the martial arts.
NAS61575 said:Thank you for the response. I think you are right, I'm just overthinking social situations and 'trying to fit in' then using that against myself.
No problem. Yeah, I think you've reached a stage where you are having more social interactions, well maybe a little different, because you have reached adulthood now, and the dynamic does changeva little. plus you meet a lot of new people.
NAS61575 said:When you said you had 'NT' friends what does that mean?
Simply put it's a term for people without autism. Some around it here use it as a derogatory term, but it seems that you are quite happy with the people you are around "NT" or not.
It certainly doesn't mean this.
It's our word for Muggles!
It means different things to different people, and it's a little presumptuous to speak for autistics as a whole.
If you are getting along with the people around you I'd say it's a little counterproductive to start thinking in a "them and us" dynamic, as Evan suggests. As you say you have some cool friends, and giving them a negative label might change the dynamic in your friendships. They are your friends and family "NT" or "ND".
99% of the world doesn't have autism. So if you start thinking that the other 99% of the world is against you, or you are an "outsider" it might change your outlook for the worse, that's my way of seeing it. There are it's fine to be autistic, it's fine to be "NT", but it's not fine to be a horrible ***!
Just think of the way people are treated in the Dojo, Kwoon, or Gym you train at. There is a level of respect for everyone that trains, and spars with honour, restraint, and respect for others.
NAS61575 said:Have you ever had low self esteem in your life?
Yes, lots of times! About lots of things! EVERYONE does. The thing is how you deal with it. You can become hard on yourself, withdrawn, you can also become hostile to others, that's why I personally wouldn't agree with Evan's advice. You might start becoming paranoid or withdrawn around "NT's", now that the seed has been sown. Pretty counterproductive in my opinion.
NAS61575 said:If so how did you fix it? Was it just being yourself and letting the time come?
You pretty much answered it yourself! I think that when you are yourself, and treat respect with respect in turn, you tend to attract positive people, which in turn seems to make you more positive. Don't look for a certain type of friend, girlfriend, or try to be someone you aren't to get them. It just takes time. Don't concentrate on other people, concentrate on what you like, want, and are comfortable with in your life.
As far as I'm concerned there are no "NT" or "ND" ideals, or standards There are individual standards. You treat the individual with the respect they deserve, and most of the time that respect is returned.
Just like martial practice, there are no short cuts. You simply have to put in the time and effort.
That's one of the few points I agree with Evan on.
NAS61575 said:Please I will try anything just to feel better about myself. I can't stop looking at myself as trash or a failure. It's got better since I was younger but it stills makes me feel unhappy.
You can only do that yourself. It takes time, or a shift in thinking. I had to really hit low depths before I started to become comfortable with myself. I've done some bad stuff in my life, it only made me feel worse. As you said you've improved on the way that you feel since you were younger.
You are young, and everyone struggles with the transition to adulthood. I found the years between 16 and 24 pretty hard. Just don't think that any situation is permanent. There are so many changes, and some you win, some you lose. I can sit back and laugh now at some of the things that happened to me then, and how I dealt with some of them.
One thing I can honestly say is don't take yourself too seriously. That is ego, and it will really make things hard. There's nothing wrong with mistakes. Nothing. If you don't hurt other people, there is no guilt, and sometimes being embarrassed can be humbling, and ultimately funny after a while!
NAS61575 said:And for the martial arts, you are right. Practice is everything. That is my new goal, to grow a backbone hahahahha.
Hey, you've got a backbone, lol. I can't climb a ladder too high! I can take a few punches, but I can't climb a ladder! I bet you can climb a ladder higher than me, lol. I'm too old, and too scared to even start! There are lots of ways to have a backbone! I think you're doing fine, just don't get too hung up on things, and start overthinking everything!
Treat yourself with the respect you deserve, treat people who deserve your respect with respect, and it all comes back around.
NAS61575 said:Again, thank you for your response, I respect that. You've helped me open my eyes to see more clearly, definitely about the martial arts.
No problem, you seem to be a pretty good individual. Respect also. Which martial art do you do?