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Confused about my gender

NAS50736

I've got Autism and am struggling with anxiety, OCD and irritable bowel syndrome. But it's my gender which is upsetting and worrying me at the moment.

I'm confused with my gender. I've always liked girls more than boys. I found early on that I got on better with girls and liked playing with girls toys and dolls. My social skills are non existent and I don't really have any friends anymore which upsets me. I thought maybe that might be a phase but this last year I've been wearing my mum's clothes, I know it's wrong to take them without asking but I can't help it. When I'm wearing women's clothes I feel so happy and relaxed! It's like all my problems go away.

I'm frightened to tell my parents. I don't know what they'll say or how they might react. At night I'm sleeping in my mum's underwear and nightie. I'm so happy when I'm wearing her clothes, they're so much softer and nicer than boy's clothes are. But I'm also upset. My mum and I are very close, I don't like deceiving her like this. But I couldn't even buy my own clothes! I have no money.  

When I'm alone at home is when I can dress like a proper girl. At that time I'm so comfortable and relaxed. I wish I could go to school as a girl too, that would be a dream come true. In a way some of it makes sense as I've always hated myself and wished I was a girl so that I could do better and feel comfortable with who I am.

Lately I've been looking online at surgery and ways to grow breasts. I'm so desperate to be a girl, it's getting to the point where I'd do anything. But I'm worried about my parents and how they would react!

But now I'm starting to feel so much confusion and anxiety over everything. I don't know what to do, continue as I am or tell my parents.

  • in reply to Bagpuss7

    PS

    This site http://gids.nhs.uk/young-people#main-content has some quite detailed information and support. I would advise reading something like this from a trustworthy source rather than searching online for things like surgery.

  • I'm guessing you are of school age?

    Is there a "pastoral" person you trust at school? Eg form tutor? pastoral team? Or a mentor you already work with for your autism?

    I am a teacher, and we have a good support team in place for pupils who want to talk about such things. We have had a few pupils over the last year "come out" as transgender, and several others who are simply a bit confused about where/how they fit in. Hopefully your school has the same. Actually my proudest moment in my entire teaching career came a few years ago and concerned how I dealt with a pupil who (very unexpectedly) told me about their feelings about their gender. I was really pleased that they trusted me enough to confide in me in that way, and I think they were very grateful in how I dealt with it.