Apologies in advance as this is me needing to sound off!
following diagnosis with autism spectrum disorder last week I didn’t really feel anything, I felt that I should feel something, but I didn’t.
I received my diagnosis/assessment report in the post yesterday and reading it in black and while in all it’s gory detail has given me a horrible restless figity agitated feeling.
Its difficult reading the reality of how I present to an expert in assessing and diagnosing ASD. Different to my own perception of myself, different to people in the past who thought I was just an annoying person. It hurt to read a professional description of how impaired I am in social communication and interaction.
Although I was diagnosed with ASD F84.5 ICD-10 (Aspergers). On the ADOS I scored above the threshold for Autism on every component. It says in bold at the end of my report that my communication and social interaction total score is 12, which is above the threshold level for autism (they can’t diagnose me with autism as I didn’t have any delays in cognition or language) but really? are my social skills really that horrific?! Well apparently they are!
To add to this I also had an acquired brain injury in an RTA nearly 12 years ago which unfortunately has left me with neurological sequelae. So I’ve now entered the world of dual neurological diagnosis. I feel as though I may as well just have mashed potato in between my ears! That’s how much use my brain is now!
In my early 20’s, before the ABI I used to like my brain. I was so smart back then and very successful in academia, qualifying to Masters level. I never had many friends but it didn’t matter because I was intelligent. Now I certainly don’t like my brain. Far from believing it is the amazing machine that it once was, I have to accept that I have not one but two neurological disabilities, both as disabling as the other in different but also overlapping ways.
And then there’s the issue of fitting in. Where do I fit in? I certainly don’t fit in with neurotypicals! I don’t fit in with fellow abi sufferers either, already been down that road, I have social issues that they just don’t have. I don’t fit in with fellow ASD sufferers either because I also have abi. My ASD diagnosis hasn’t allowed me to finally ‘fit in’ somewhere. I’m still that awkward girl in the corner that no one really wants to be friends with.
Dont get me wrong. I’m sure I’ll be ok in the end. I know rationally that I’m (somehow) still a relatively high functioning individual and this ASD diagnosis doesn’t actually change anything, it just gives a label and an explanation to something that I have suffered my whole life. And I know in the long term that having this ASD diagnosis will allow me to work on better managing my impairments and improving my life. But right now I’m finding it a lot to take in and quite overwhelming.
Thanks for reading:-)