A strange and wonderful thing...

I'm quite a rational person.  I'm not superstitious, nor do I have any religious beliefs.  I don't believe in fate or predestination.

At the same time, I have spiritual beliefs... and I think there's much more going on 'behind the scenes' than we can ever really know about.

When my mother passed away, a lot of things happened in very quick succession that gave me a lot of reassurance.  I found coins with significant dates on them.  I also found books and feathers, and I went to places on instinct because I knew I would meet someone significant there by chance.  And I did.  People who had some special connection with mum.  Someone gave me a Canadian penny in change accidentally one day - and the year of minting was the year I took mum to Canada on the adventure of her lifetime.  We went to the place, out on the priaries, where her own mother had lived and worked for a few years as a young woman, before returning to England to marry and settle down.  We met a woman out there who was distantly related to the woman my nan worked for, and still lived close to the spot where the ranch had stood. 

Coincidences?  Maybe.  But I derived great comfort from these things.  It made me feel I was being watched over, and given protection.

Another thing that happened, the very day that mum came home from hospital after recovering sufficiently from the illness that would eventually kill her (she discharged herself, against the consultant's wishes) was that as I pushed her wheelchair out into the hospital car park - in the aftermath of a thunder shower - a huge double rainbow appeared, arching right across the sky before us.  It took our breath away, it was so beautiful.  And I remember thinking that if mum hadn't discharged herself, and had stayed on that dismal ward she was on, she would never have seen such a sight.  It was a good omen if ever one was needed.  It was uplifting.

*

So to today.  I'm having my day off.  It's a very strange time, with all the issues I'm having at work.  I saw my GP this morning, who has agreed to sign me off if I request a certificate any time in the coming weeks.  I just need to ring the surgery and ask.  She could see the state I was in.  I can't sleep.  I can't focus on anything - except this issue.  I'm feeling completely drained out.  This whole thing has taken every ounce of physical, psychological and emotional energy I have.  I'm having horrible thoughts all the time.  My Union Rep finally got back to me today, and was no real help - just telling me I need to either go down the route of mediation (which won't work, I know)... or just leave.  That was her best advice.

About an hour ago, I was lying on my bed, trying to sleep.  I must have dozed, and was shocked when I woke up to notice it had grown dark.  Thinking it was late afternoon, I sat up - and realised we were in the middle of the most tremendous rain shower.  I got up and made a cup of tea.  Then I went and looked out of my bathroom window.  There, arching across the sky, was a brilliant rainbow.  I stood watching it for a few moments, and then noticed another rainbow - very faint - arching above it.  I noticed something else, too.  The right-hand ends of each rainbow were falling on very particular areas in the local landscape.  I went on Google Earth and drew lines from my window to those points.  One crossed over the roof of mum's old bungalow.  The other crossed over the stone seat on the downs, where her ashes are scattered.

It gives me some hope.  And that's all it needs to do.