That time of year...

Martian Tom said:

Maybe I should just say 'no' to the whole thing again, and hang what they all think! 

That's pretty much what I've done for most of my adult life; not just for Xmas, but also birthdays, Halloween, Easter, New Year (my least favourite of all), and any other time where people who wouldn't otherwise give me the time of day suddenly feel the need to show that they "care" just because it's part of some socially sanctioned ritual. I never did get the concept of setting aside "special days" for being nice to people, and I still don't. It's not that I won't socialise with people around those times - it's nice that we maybe have time off work/school to spend together, and I've had some lovely "not Xmas" meals with other, similarly sceptical, friends, even on Xmas day itself. But the fact of it being Xmas has always been totally incidental.

After getting on for 30 years of making it very clear that I don't want to take part, won't be sending cards/gifts and prefer not to receive them, I'd say that around half of the people I know have just about got their heads around the fact that I really, really mean it! The way I see it, if they really do care about me, then respecting my wishes can be the "gift" that they bestow upon me, and the fact that I'll try to be there for them in a crisis should mean far more than a tacky piece of cardboard and a pair of socks!

But if you do decide to opt out, you will still face awkward questions and condescending platitudes, and it's something that you just have to get used to...

• No, I didn't particularly enjoy Xmas when I was a child. I looked forward to de-stressing during the school holidays and hated having my time filled with forced socialisation with people I barely knew, and never could get my head around lying though my teeth when I opened yet another present that I couldn't for the life of me work out why you thought I'd like it.
• No, honestly, I'm absolutely fine spending the day on my own doing the things that I'd usually do. I won't be crying into my microwave dinner, and I will not find being gregarious any less tiresome than usual. Keep your goddamn pity to yourself, thanks.
• I am NOT trying to spoil anything for anyone else. You all do whatever you please, and if it really is all as much fun as you say it is, you'll have forgotten that I'm not there within five minutes.
• No, I'm not being facetious like all the other people who claim to find it all too stressful; it's not a joke, it's not meant ironically, I'm not looking for sympathy - it's  just a statement of my true intent.

Christmas for me - as a child and as an adult - has always been about being with the people I cared most about: my parents.  With neither of them here any longer, it has become meaningless.  My brother has married into his wife's family and his entire focus is on them.  He no longer has a relationship with his natural son and daughter (from his first marriage), but his step-daughter (a narc, like her mother) gets all the praise and attention.  If I'm honest, I think my brother feels eaten up inside over these issues.  He's been successfully Stockholmed by his wife and her family over these 30-odd years, and I think he's probably traumatised by it all without even realising.  He isn't a strong man, and needs someone to drive him - which she does.  But unfortunately, her driving force is negative.  And he, of course, can't see it.

The thing is, I want to send cards to certain family members that I don't see now - cousins, aunts, uncles - but if I send cards to them and not to him, he'll see it as a snub.  If I send one to him, too - just for appearances - I certainly won't be sending one to his step-daughter (I detest her, and she really upset me over the whole thing with mum).  But again, that'll be seen as a snub.  It's a difficult thing to play. 

I know what mum would do, because mum just wanted everyone to be happy.  She used to go along with so much because of my sister-in-law.  I can still hear her saying now "I dont say anything because I don't want to upset anyone.  I want us all to get along."  Even though a lot of it was pretence.  Doing it for the sake of doing it.  Bless her heart, she put up with so much.

Mum's sister, who is the only family member I still speak to regularly on the phone, knows the situation.  She often says to me "Your mum wouldn't have wanted there to be this split."  So I have to remind her that what mum would have wanted was for me to be happy.  And I can't be happy with those people in my life.  My bereavement counsellor told me, after mum passed, that I needed to move on from people like that because of the damage they have caused.  So, I have moved on.

And yet, clearly, I haven't.  I'm still stuck, trying to please everyone - except myself.

Martian Tom since the step-daughter seems to be the big issue, can't you send a card to your brother's family as a whole? 'Family x (brother's last name)'

I agree with Plasticthat it is only a card and a stamp, but the feeling behind it isn't so simple ofcourse.

Or if you really want to send everyone a separate card, can't you send that girl a boring Christmas card and the obligatory text. And just take your losses.

From all I've heard and read about narcs, I think so.  I can always have fantasies, of course...

Which always leaves idiot-me to say something... Like in secondary school where everyone agrees on doung something and I was the only one doing it.

Also I don't think it's fair on the people she's picking on.

Your approach probably works better and is better in the long run

But no one will... because that's how the whole system functions.  It's all very NT, I think.  Cliques, pecking orders.  Don't p**s off the people who can make your life harder for you.

People are afraid she'll target them. Time someone puts her in her spot.

Really high time.

I've thought about saying 'Are you feeling better?' and when she says 'Yes, thanks' saying 'There... so much nicer than asking if you'd enjoyed your time off, isn't it?'  But it really isn't worth it.  She'd then just ramp up the game another notch.  They're best ignored.

Hahaha mean like me

But there you've got her weak spot Martian Tom you're probably too nice to use it against her, but still.

Being mean back in return is what they want.  That's why I refuse to play their game.  It's all about manipulation.  And once they take against someone, they can be relentless.  She didn't like another guy who started at the same time I did.  So she made up all kinds of stuff about him - saying she didn't think he was right for care work, etc.  Then she said he'd tried to run her off the road when they were out one day in the company vehicles.  She even bullied other staff members into supporting her.  She's shouted at the manager before.  She always plays the victim.  And she's always right.  Somehow, too, they seem to attract people like bees to a honeypot.  It's their bluntness and outspokenness.  The other thing is, people want to keep on the good side of a narc because they know the consequences if they fall foul of them.

Or next time she's off sick, get a non-work friend to fill in a 'get well soon' card and leave it on her desk - "Congratulations on your re-assignment surgery".

Or next time she's off sick, get a non-work friend to fill in a 'get well soon' card and leave it on her desk - "Congratulations on your re-assignment surgery".

I've thought about saying 'Are you feeling better?' and when she says 'Yes, thanks' saying 'There... so much nicer than asking if you'd enjoyed your time off, isn't it?'  But it really isn't worth it.  She'd then just ramp up the game another notch.  They're best ignored.

Hahaha mean like me