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Any help please, I have a gran with dementia, and her neighbour is too controlling

Misheard Lyrics

I'm putting out a plea for help because I am in a situation I don't know how to deal with. My gran, who is frail and is in the early stages of dementia, lives in sheltered housing a few miles away from me. I visit whenever I can, she has carers coming in 3 times a day, a private carer to take her out shopping once or twice a week, and some of her neighbours also help a little. But one of the neighbours seems like she's trying to take over.

She does thing without asking, and even against my gran's wishes, for example putting her heating up higher when my gran is warm enough already and has told her so. She or her husband call round in the evening and try to get my gran to go to bed even when she isn't ready. It's only little things, but it's pushy and annoying. But recently, I've found out that she's been reporting my gran to social services and safeguarding. My gran has been checked and assessed by social services several times now, and found well. I've been investigated for "possible financial misconduct" as well, after an anonymous call was made, I can't prove it was her though. (There wasn't any follow up after the first meeting, because I was able to prove I hadn't done anything wrong.) It's getting well beyond a joke.

Talking to her hasn't helped, because she is "only trying to help", and even the warden at the housing sees it that way. My dad, who is also tired of it all, has suggested I give up and let the neighbour take over, but I don't feel able to do that. I'm stressed out by this, and I don't know how much longer I can deal with it before I implode.

  • in reply to Misheard Lyrics

    It's encouraging that the care team do recognise this 'input' as the interference it is. It's worth reinforcing your concerns to them and asking if there's anything they can do to safeguard your Gran's interests against this person. 

  • in reply to Endymion

    I've spoken to the neighbour, but she's acting independently of my family and doesn't keep us up to date on what she's doing. She likes to be appreciated, and seems easily offended.

    My gran's care team seem to know about the situation anyway, because she once phoned up their manager and complained about my gran's care (again, without asking us), and when I phoned them myself to apologise, they said not to worry, and that they were aware of her interfering.

  • in reply to Taltunes

    Thank you, I'm going to wait for a while and see if the accusations have finished, because things might settle down. If there are any more referrals, anonymous or otherwise, I will find out who to contact at the next level of authority.

  • I would suggest speaking to your Gran's social services team about your concerns.

    As her closest family, you and your father have a right to be heard re. your concerns and a responsibility to speak on your Gran's behalf re. this neighbour's unwelcome interference. It isn't this neighbour's business what goes on in your Gran's home, your gran has a team of carers and other people looking out for her in a much more practical and needs-sensitive way than this woman. She frankly sounds like an interfering busybody. 

    I would also tell the warden that she has an obligation and duty to protect and facilitate the needs of ALL residents, not primarily one over another. 

    Have you spoken to the neighbour? Told her to back off? 

  • in reply to Taltunes

    My original post probably won't help if you were investigated by the police for the "possible financial misconduct". You could try speaking to the chief executive of whoever runs / owns the sheltered housing although they may take the warden's side. Alternatively you could speak to your local counciller / MP.

  • I would be tempted to have a word with a local Police Community Support Officer. Even if they don't think it is a police matter they should be able to give you some advice or refer you to someone who can help. I had a lot of help from a local PCSO when I had a problem with a housemate and his friends a couple of years ago.

    The neighbour is costing your gran money by putting up her heating against her wishes.