Explaining Autism to my son

Hi Sonia, 

Just wanted to add a little to the advice already given. We have a section on our website that tries to address some of the many issues around challenging behaviour. I don't think it'll answer all your questions but I thought you might find some of it helpful to read through. 

Here's the link - 

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/challenging-behaviour.aspx

sonia said:

Thanks for your help on this its great to get your insight.

Not a problem. Glad to help. 

I just wish I could get inside your head and understand more.

LOL! I too wish I could get inside my head and understand more!

But, more seriously, if you have any further questions, please just ask.

Thanks for your help on this its great to get your insight. I just wish I could get inside your head and understand more.

I'm not sure this is going to be of any help at all, Sonia, but, let me say this - I completely understand what your son meant when he used to say he couldn't help it. I'm nearly 39 and only very recently diagnosed with Asperger's, and I often become very verbally agressive when stressed. It's not something I have full control over. At least not the feeling. The wanting to lash out. And inside I often want to physically lash out too. But I don't. But only because when I was much younger I kind of shocked myself into not physically lashing out, through physically lashing, if that makes any sense. Which it probably doesn't. So, let me explain, without going into details. I was bullied a bit at school, and on one occasion I fought back, physically, and shocked myself with what I was capable of doing. And ever since then, although I get that same feeling, of wanting to hit someone, or break something, I can manage to control that, sometimes by taking myself out of the situation, but usually by redirecting it into verbal agression. Now, I'm not saying your son will need to go through what I went through to see that he needs to redirect the urge to do something physically, and you may be able to utilise his high intelligence to reason it through with him, but you do have to understand it's like a Tourette's tic and the urge side of it is something he can not fully control, he can only redirect that urge into something less problematic.

Hi, Ben is 7 and very intelligent, his IQ is 129. He displays lots of very aggressive behaviours and for the most part there is no warning that these behaviours will happen. One minute we will be playing a game the next he has decided he has had enough and will turn on me or his sister. We have been referred to First Contact (Social Services) Because of his agression. I don't think we need that at the moment because I am physically strong enough to stop him and I can make him go to his room where he will calm down but they are worried about his 3 year old sister. Often I will say after the incident, hitting or spitting is completely unacceptable Ben you have to learn to control your anger. He used to say I can't help it mum it just happens, now he says it is my autism. I need him to learn to control his anger before he gets in real trouble. Often his aggression is through pure frustration. He will get one thing wrong and will just lash out, normally at me cos I'm nearest. I know his aggression is probably a lot to do with his autism but I cannot excuse it under any circumstances. CAMHS have basically said that now he is diagnosed they will pretty much discharge him because autism in our nhs area isn't dealt with by CFCS and they suggested this website as a source of help.

Hi Sonia

Your post doesnt say how old your son is but I'm assuming as you have told him he has a diagnosis he has a good level of understanding. I told my son he had a diagnosis when he was 10 (although he was diagnosed at 4) & we had a few situations where he had said he couldnt do something "because of his thing" as he used to call it eg wouldnt eat his mashed potato one day & winked & said but mam its my thing!.

You need to work out what are the things he does which are part of his autism and he just  can't help doing and what are the things he does that are just being him pushing your buttons and deal with them accordingly. Its difficult sometimes to seperate the two but he needs clear boundaries as to what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't. Also your understanding of autism will grow as times goes by and sometimes what you may have thought is him just being difficult is actually due to sensory overload that things he does have a reason or purpose.

Good luck

Hmm... Difficult one.

I think you need to seperate out, in your own mind, what is a product of his being on the spectrum, and what is real naughtyness.

And then learn to cope, and help him cope, with those thing that are a product of autism.

His handwriting for example - poor handwriting is very common amongst people on the spectrum, as are many other examples of poor motor control.

I had appaling handwriting for a long time, and then one day, when I was about 14 or 15, it just changed - no amount of berating me, or getting me to practice neater handwritting, before that, made any difference what-so-ever, and had I known then what I know now I would have refused to practice my hand writting on the grounds that a) it's not really that important (I very rarely write anything by hand in anything other than block capitals that anyone else will read), and b) being made to feel bad for something I couldn't change no matter how hard I tried was, and still is, very distressing and upsetting.

You are correct, being on the spectrum is not an excuse for 'bad behaviour', but you may need to reassess your own definition 'bad behaviour' in the light of what you now know (his being on the the spectrum).

May I suggest you post some examples of those things you consider to be him just being naughty, and which he uses his autism as an excuse for?