My husband left me without warning a few months ago. Recently, having had distance from the relationship, I have begun to reflect on what happened.
So much of our relationship was happy and he was never physical or overtly controlling. However, he often called me names and spoke to me in a very belittling way. When I called him out on this, he would say he was joking and that I needed to get a sense of humour. He never apologised and the behaviour persisted. I pointed out that he never spoke to me this way in front of others - it was always in private. He completely denied this. Sometimes, he would say that, as someone with autism, I was misreading the situation. I often doubted my own memory and sanity.
He also refused to make any compromises or accept any responsibility for anything he had done to upset me. For example, if I asked him not to do something, and he ignored my request and I got upset, he would either shout at me or give me the silent treatment until I apologised and accepted the blame for being too emotional. This happened over and over again until I was made to feel like every problem in the relationship was down to me. I also realised that I couldn’t ask for anything I needed without feeling incredibly anxious and guilty.
This included moving away from where I lived. He hated where I lived, often referring to it in a derogatory and hurtful manner. When I asked for a compromise of maybe moving to a “nicer” area of the city rather than leaving it entirely so I didn’t have to leave the few friends and family I had, he refused to even consider it (he has plenty of family he can rely on). In the end, I moved so far from my home and job that I was forced to travel 2 hours to work and I became incredibly homesick. His behaviour towards me and the way he spoke to me also became increasingly belittling as there was no longer any one to see. My mental health nose dived when I moved and it never truly recovered. I thought it was just my weakness and anxiety; I was certainly made to feel that way when he repeatedly reminded me of how he “did everything” in the relationship, especially when I was at my lowest.
I have tried to address my anxiety and depression through a number of means - I have spent hundreds on counsellors and therapists and books and meditation classes etc. He always commented and made me feel embarrassed about what I was doing so, inevitably, I stopped using the strategies I had learned. I was forced to simply hold in anxiety and panic attacks as long as I could and then go and cry in a separate room away from him. When I asked him why he let me cry alone, he said he didn’t know how to cope with me. When I researched and offered him advice to support me, he refused to accept it. Sometimes, he would let me cry and have full panic attacks next to him in bed without even speaking to me.
For a long time, I have believed that I was incapable of doing anything without him. I stopped seeing friends and doing things I loved. I constantly felt as though I only had his love when I was happy and regulated, but the pressure of trying to maintain this while constantly being spoken to in an awful manner meant that I felt overwhelmingly anxious even in my own home. Even now, I only leave the house when I absolutely have to, believing I’ll make a mistake or do something stupid, proving him right. I no longer know what I like doing. I struggle making choices for myself. I have struggled with regular bouts of dissociation and memory loss. I have spent so much of my life trying to accommodate him and be the wife that deserves his love, I can’t remember who I am.
It’s hard to talk to people I know as they only ever saw the good side of him. When we broke up, over again I heard, “but that’s not like him. He’s a good person. I don’t understand” or “But you were such a perfect couple.” I’m also worried that people will believe I’m trying to find a narrative that paints him as a villain. I’m not; I am flawed too, and I can be difficult to live with. And the bottom line is, he never hit me and never directly controlled me in a way that was overt or obvious.
I don’t know where to begin to look for support as I don’t think anyone will believe me or think that what I went through was bad enough. I don’t even know what to call what happened to me. I worry they’ll say I’m just being over sensitive or blame my autism…
