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Relathionship difficulties post diagnosis

NinjaPanda85

Hi, had a really tough conversation with my wife last night. We have been together 15 years, married 13 of those.

She says that my autism diagnosis makes sense to her, but is worried that it maybe means the person she fell in love with is the masked version of me. She doesnt think i intentionally hid anything and doesnt think im unmasking obviously post diagnosis(month ago) yet but is concerned that since masking is automatic to a degree with me being 41, how would i know if i was just trying to be what she wanted etc. It was a hard conversation and honestly made me feel awful about alot of things, and was not a conversation i was expecting.

Both agreed we love eachother very much but i dont know how to ease her worries and know it will likely come up again at somepoint. Ive had depression and other struggles aswell and she said with that shed accepted the new "normal" but that with the autism diagnosis feels like another thing to lose the "old me" to.

Just going to keep talking to eachother , i know it must be really hard for her too and shes entitled to struggle and adjust to it just like i am, but not easy currently for either of us and me needing alot of personal space does not help either.

Makes me feel abit like i need to "hide" my autistic side(not even sure thats possible) or risk disrupting relathionship. 

Just posting for general support and to see if anyone else had similar partner reactions post diagnosis, any good ways forward?

Thanks,

Parents

  • This is difficult for both of you. I'm still struggling with the masking thing, too, but I don't have a partner who is struggling, too - I understand how that would make you feel like you shouldn't unmask, but that will eat away at you. I realise now that masking made me go along with things that I found difficult, tedious or stressful. Had I opted out of those things, or found ways to minimise the time I was exposed to them, it would have helped. In two of my long-term relationships (13 years and 17 years), I should have said 'no' or talked things through earlier in the relationship, as that might have prevented me from burning out and the relationship collapsing. Of course, I'm talking as a woman, and often more is expected from us in terms of carrying the relationship.

    I'd say it's not that you're a different person, just that you're trying to explore what things you need help to cope with that you didn't realise up to now you weren't coping with well. I realise that might just be rephrasing what your wife is saying she fears but the truth is, neither of you can really reassure each other with words just now because you both see beyond superficiality to the underlying issues. You need to live through the uncertainty and that's hard to do.

    Would she be reassured by the two of you seeing a couples therapist who specialises in autism? You can look up what help is available close to you in the NAS Directory .

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  • This is difficult for both of you. I'm still struggling with the masking thing, too, but I don't have a partner who is struggling, too - I understand how that would make you feel like you shouldn't unmask, but that will eat away at you. I realise now that masking made me go along with things that I found difficult, tedious or stressful. Had I opted out of those things, or found ways to minimise the time I was exposed to them, it would have helped. In two of my long-term relationships (13 years and 17 years), I should have said 'no' or talked things through earlier in the relationship, as that might have prevented me from burning out and the relationship collapsing. Of course, I'm talking as a woman, and often more is expected from us in terms of carrying the relationship.

    I'd say it's not that you're a different person, just that you're trying to explore what things you need help to cope with that you didn't realise up to now you weren't coping with well. I realise that might just be rephrasing what your wife is saying she fears but the truth is, neither of you can really reassure each other with words just now because you both see beyond superficiality to the underlying issues. You need to live through the uncertainty and that's hard to do.

    Would she be reassured by the two of you seeing a couples therapist who specialises in autism? You can look up what help is available close to you in the NAS Directory .

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