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Abit dejected after trying to discuss late diagnosis with parents

NinjaPanda85

Tried to talk to my parents about my late autism diagnosis tonight, they refused to acknowledge it at all, barely acknowledged I was even talking about anything. At 41 I wish my parents didnt still have the capacity to make me feel so naff. Feels like your being rejected for being different to what I imagine they hoped for. 

Lucky my wife supportive but still hurts. 

Just venting to those who may read and understand.

  • I was always criticised by my mother as she made it plain I wasn't the daughter she wanted. Not that she would have understood autism. Do you generally have a good relationship with your parents, so you would have expected them to understand? If so, it's a shame they can't cope with this. Perhaps they don't understand autism or have a distorted picture of what it is. At least you have support from your wife.

  • There is a reluctance in some parents to acknowledge that any child of theirs is in any way 'defective.' They can view it as a reflection on themselves and their abilities as parents. The disproven 'refrigerator mother' theory casts a long shadow. The lack of acknowledgement may be a form of defence mechanism.

    Having said that they also, almost certainly, know almost nothing about autism. If you do want their acknowledgement of your autism you may have to get past their reserve and educate them. Pointing out that people like Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Picasso and Mozart all showed autistic traits, might be a useful first move.

  • Understood  

     has said exactly what I would say too.

    Tricky because I think we might need acknowledgement and recognition in order to acknowledge and recognise it ourselves when late diagnosed.  Seems like "gaslighting" perhaps.

    Best Wishes

  • Thoroughly understand   . There are a whole list of reasons why loved ones discount our diagnosis, from fear to guilt to ignorance, but that doesn't make it OK to do, or any less painful for us. I am sorry you have experienced this and know you are upheld here.

    ps I am glad your wife is supportive.

  • I understand,  in fact I'm not diagnosed yet, my assessment starts next Thursday and there will be 3 appointments each week apart. My mom refuses to acknowledge that I might be on the spectrum. I decided, that she is the last person I would ever tell about any problems,  because she laughs them off, it hurts, because although the people you expect to support you in this difficult moment- fail. Similarly my husband supports me. 

    The parental denial may come from their outdated view if autism, or they may think, that they know you best and you don't fit XYZ criteria or some prejudice or like in my mom's case- she thinks that she knows everything best. It may be also malicious toxic behaviour, I don't know you and your family,  just giving examples. 

    I decided to cut my mom off this kind of topic for ever to not get upset. I don't quit contact with her. Recently I revived some of my quite important medical records from my granny. They talk to each other so my mom found out. I told her bluntly "it's not your business I won't talk about it" when she got curious about why I needed my medical records.