Hi,
its my 3rd week since I’ve been diagnosed with autism and I’m still learning. I’m learning that I’m not the person I once was.. bubbly, chatty, confident, brave and strong. Now after a hard year of battling depression, anxiety and work related stress, I’m now a shell of a person I once was. I’m no longer the girl who could walk into a room confidently and get the job done. I’m a broken women who can barely leave the house without having a panic attack and figuring out who am now.
all I feel is broken. That something inside has been snapped or shattered. Yet I see myself in the last and recognise behaviours and actions that always pointed into this direction. After years of burnout and trying to fit in I’ve learned that I’m an over sharer, blunt, bossy, conflicted, dismissive and speak aggressively when faced with emotions and emotional challenges. I’m learning how to handle all of these things but it gets overwhelming. I talk to my partner and my parents about everything as it makes me feel at ease and seen where sometimes for them it’s not needed, too much and dismissive. I feel like I’ve been wrapped in a safety net around everyone who is caring for me while I’m off sick on mental heath reasons.
adding to that my partners family have been nothing but mean to me about my mental health, me being on sick pay (I worked for their business) and that I’m taking advantage and attacking the family business… they have not asked how I am, how I’m doing, if I need help. But kicking me while I’m down on the floor trying to find hope. My partner has done everything to stick up for us and what we want in a life together and they are not happy with that. “Your relationship is set up for failure as long as she’s involved” that’s what one of the things that has been said. I’ve been reassured by my partner and my family and yet I still feel like a stupid, complexed burden of a person.
i wish i wasn’t the way i am, how do i except that?
-looking for help from a 20 something year old