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Loop of regret

Alien0n3arth

I feel regret, that I booked the assessment. It's gonna be 29.10 the first session. But I know, that I I cancelled it- I would feel regret that I cancelled. Sometimes I regret that it all even started, that I know more about autism and there is the suspicion. Like it affects my mental health in some ways. Sorry, I don't know if anyone can help anything. I worry, that if I get the diagnosis, my mental health will get even worse. At some point i hope to hear, that it's something else, and not autism. I would like to have it done and at the same time I would like to avoid going there at all. If it makes any sense. Now I think, that I just convinced myself, thst I need a diagnosis and for what reason but as I can see it's likely gonna sit in the drawer and not give me any advantage. I feel guilty of being attention seeker although it's not my intention at all. It's all because of the huge debate around autism and neurodiversity. 

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth
    • Yes I think autistic people have always experienced trauma from what I have read. We are in a world that isn’t made for us and so naturally it causes trauma. 
      I don’t know where you live, but here in the UK there isn’t much support post diagnosis. I pay privately for therapy, my therapist is trauma informed. I am entitled at work to reasonable adjustments, although my job makes that difficult. I think for me the diagnosis just gave me the knowledge to accept myself a little bit more. I wish you lots of luck. 
  • in reply to Orangegnome

    Thank you for your response. Sometimes I get worried, that all these diagnoses won't exist in the future. But maybe there support will be more accessible to people,  so these diagnoses wouldn't be needed. But there is the thought- why pay if it's gonna lose any value. 

    Once I spoke to one lady (I'm not sure what it's called in English,  child councillor or something?) She also listened to my story a bit and said that im very likely to be an intersection of autism and trauma and she said its worth getting diagnosed,  because there are specialised therapies for autistic people with trauma. Different from the general ones.

  • I definitely felt a bit panicky when I finally got the date of my assessment. I also felt a lot of relief once it was done. I was given the result the same day, and it took quite some time to absorb that. Sometimes I still feel a wave of imposter syndrome and wonder if I tricked the assessors. If I read my report I do feel reassured, as well as when I have a difficult day, I am reminded that I don’t find things easy. Social media can be positive and negative, there are so many neurodivergent pages to follow. And of course all the people posting about the over diagnosis of autism and ADHD make me feel a bit paranoid and worried. I think you would find you aren’t alone in your feelings. 

  • in reply to Alexa

    Thank you for your response. I find the positive about all this- the fact that I pay myself for the process. I'm bot gonna feel like a burden for the system, because I'm aware of myself not being the worst case or in emergency etc. I guess it's gonna give some answers and new imposter or maybe I'm just gonna forget it and get over it all.

    Additionally I think, that it's a perfect timing. Now there are changes in my company,  my manager resigned,  there are some gossips that our boss may go to pension next year and then who knows maybe the main company takes us over etc. At some point there may appear the question- why I don't have driver license or pushes to do it. If I show them papers with diagnosis and full report, then they have to accept it. This diagnosis gonna have some value anyway although given by psychologist and not psychiatrist. 

  • I took mine to give me peace of mind, one way or another. I wanted to know if it was all my imagination or something that made sense of my life. It changed the way I see myself, but I haven't used it for anything, yet. I may tell my GP, but it doesn't release me from having to deal with too many organisations by phone, which I find so difficult.

    I understand about your fears and the fear of regret if you turn back now. I also felt like an imposter - so many of us do before an assessment. And it continued for a while after my assessment, when I started thinking "Is the assessor wrong?" Now, I'm pleased I went through with it. It might be sitting on my computer unused, but it's there for when I need it. I understand myself better and can forgive myself now for many things in my past that haunted me.

    Hold on, Freundin. You can get through this. people hugging