Loop of regret

Thank you, the problem is that some people expect me to change into normie.

I think it's gonna help me process things. Thank you

Yes, and the point is that after a diagnosis, Alien0n3arth will be able to move forward, maybe stumbling at first but gradually improving. At the moment, it must feel like being in suspended animation, with no plan to follow.

lostmyway said:

may well regret not doing it later on

Yes, this is the reason why I didn't cancel it. There are around 3 weeks to my first appointment. 

Book it and you worry. Cancel it and you worry. That is a dilemma people can't seem to escape,

I think the important thing to remember is it’s just one step towards understanding yourself better, which can serve you well for the rest of your life. By not taking this step you will always wonder about yourself and may well regret not doing it later on.

For me, it was necessary to know, and so I willingly sought diagnosis.  That demonstrates that we are all unique in our wants and needs, and you must do what works for you.  In my case, I felt very strange after getting a formal diagnosis; suspicion and confirmation are entirely different things, it turns out, so I have had around six weeks of processing.  

I will say that it was a good thing for me; getting it confirmed settled so many things in my mind, and now I am seeing things through a different 'lens' and finding that it has helped.  So, I would say that it is a good thing to do, but you should be gentle on yourself and not expect things to change in some way with a diagnosis.  Change will come from within you as you process it.  Good luck.

I'm living in Germany, here I'm an immigrant. There are lots. As far as I know, wether I get support depends on my luck. Some officials are better informed others have knowledge from the past 30 years ago. I go private, which puts me under scrutiny here, among autistic people and generally,  but I have no other option as the clinicians would not even start processing with me without informant. And additionally I would probably have to pay for a translator if I had any informant, they accept only closest family members. And I'm not sure which one is cheaper the translator or private assessment tbh. It's very strict here, but the diagnosis (whatever I get) should be helpful at work. It's not about adjustments right now but i need a proof that I shouldn't drive. They try pushing me to drive a forklift which generally belongs to tasks at my workplace. I would have to take part in traffic at some short distances. So a paper from mental health professional is needed. Now there are a lot of changes there and it's of course stressful.

• Yes I think autistic people have always experienced trauma from what I have read. We are in a world that isn’t made for us and so naturally it causes trauma. 
  I don’t know where you live, but here in the UK there isn’t much support post diagnosis. I pay privately for therapy, my therapist is trauma informed. I am entitled at work to reasonable adjustments, although my job makes that difficult. I think for me the diagnosis just gave me the knowledge to accept myself a little bit more. I wish you lots of luck. 

Thank you for your response. Sometimes I get worried, that all these diagnoses won't exist in the future. But maybe there support will be more accessible to people,  so these diagnoses wouldn't be needed. But there is the thought- why pay if it's gonna lose any value. 

Once I spoke to one lady (I'm not sure what it's called in English,  child councillor or something?) She also listened to my story a bit and said that im very likely to be an intersection of autism and trauma and she said its worth getting diagnosed,  because there are specialised therapies for autistic people with trauma. Different from the general ones.

I definitely felt a bit panicky when I finally got the date of my assessment. I also felt a lot of relief once it was done. I was given the result the same day, and it took quite some time to absorb that. Sometimes I still feel a wave of imposter syndrome and wonder if I tricked the assessors. If I read my report I do feel reassured, as well as when I have a difficult day, I am reminded that I don’t find things easy. Social media can be positive and negative, there are so many neurodivergent pages to follow. And of course all the people posting about the over diagnosis of autism and ADHD make me feel a bit paranoid and worried. I think you would find you aren’t alone in your feelings. 

Thank you for your response. I find the positive about all this- the fact that I pay myself for the process. I'm bot gonna feel like a burden for the system, because I'm aware of myself not being the worst case or in emergency etc. I guess it's gonna give some answers and new imposter or maybe I'm just gonna forget it and get over it all.

Additionally I think, that it's a perfect timing. Now there are changes in my company,  my manager resigned,  there are some gossips that our boss may go to pension next year and then who knows maybe the main company takes us over etc. At some point there may appear the question- why I don't have driver license or pushes to do it. If I show them papers with diagnosis and full report, then they have to accept it. This diagnosis gonna have some value anyway although given by psychologist and not psychiatrist. 

I took mine to give me peace of mind, one way or another. I wanted to know if it was all my imagination or something that made sense of my life. It changed the way I see myself, but I haven't used it for anything, yet. I may tell my GP, but it doesn't release me from having to deal with too many organisations by phone, which I find so difficult.

I understand about your fears and the fear of regret if you turn back now. I also felt like an imposter - so many of us do before an assessment. And it continued for a while after my assessment, when I started thinking "Is the assessor wrong?" Now, I'm pleased I went through with it. It might be sitting on my computer unused, but it's there for when I need it. I understand myself better and can forgive myself now for many things in my past that haunted me.

Hold on, Freundin. You can get through this.