Sorry all, it’s just, since the almost comfortable feeling when first diagnosed back in February, having turned 62 in January, a lot has shifted in my head, & that really happened to me at 13. I’m so glad my grandson will never have to go through the same misery of callous uncaring NOT “mis” understanding because that implies a want to understand, just a total negligent apathy, rage when I wasn’t doing what was demanded. Those 5 months, I recall a geography lesson, & the clock at 12.20 on a Tuesday, nothing after that until “she” corrected my syntax (“I need to wash my hair badly NO I badly need to wash my hair 164, no excuse). She’d Mensa tested me, put what she called a “quiz” & a biro in front of me, told me to do it in an hour, so I did- She’d sent it off, was thrilled to bits with the result, reminded me all the time, told me I was doing Oxbridge, going to be a Doctor, I’d said yes to all of it. Remember: I was adopted because she felt sorry for me- she told me all the time, my real mother didn’t want me & who could blame her (I was skinny, red haired, freckles & wore glasses from the age of 7, none of her children did). So, at 13, crash & burn.
I am just so thankful that kids are getting so much more support than I could ever have dreamed of now. For me, now, I’ve clocked that actually I’m struggling a bit at the moment. Sleeping too much in the day, energy levels on the floor. So, I’ve bought some pins for me & grandson, we can be diagnosed & proud if we want: & I think I need to, years & years of fitting into shapes for other people, now I can be just me. I’ve bought a brilliant workbook on burnout, a survival guide to therapy because I’m seriously considering it & need to get it right. Husband is better, he’s listening because I’ve asked him to - he’s watched a C4 programme on autism with me, & I’m expecting a couple of books from World of Books that we’ll read together- he’s 66, & he has dyslexia, so reading isn’t the wonderful thing for him it always has been (since I was 2.5) for me.
Thank you all for letting me get that out. I’ve never seen it in print before. It’s ugly. It was. It hurt.
