Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some perspective and advice from people who understand autism, relationships, and meltdowns.
My wife is autistic (recenlty diagnosed in March) and we have been together for 20 plus years. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand her autism, support her, and learn how things feel from her perspective. However, last night we had what was probably the biggest meltdown and argument we have ever experienced, and I’m struggling to process what happened.
The argument started because I reached a point where I felt completely emotionally exhausted. My wife had already had one meltdown that day, and I was trying to listen and support her, but I reached the point where I said I didn’t have anything left to give.
I think this was the trigger. My wife has always seen me as her safe person—the person who helps her regulate and feel secure—and she said that hearing me say I couldn’t help felt like losing that safety.
The situation escalated significantly. She became extremely distressed, threw her phone, hit her head, and threatened to cut herself. I tried to stop her from hurting herself, there was a physical struggle. I was trying to hold her, but she fought against it, and I then fought back and it wasn't nice. Looking back, I feel I should have moved away sooner rather than the situation becoming a restraint.
There were also things I said during the argument that I regret. I said things like:
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“I’m just your carer now.”
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“There’s no partnership in this relationship anymore.”
I know those words would have been incredibly painful to hear, but they came from a place of feeling overwhelmed and like I have been carrying a lot for a long time.
One thing that has been difficult for me is feeling that the responsibility for understanding autism is mostly on me. I said that it feels like I’m always the one who has to learn more, adapt more, and understand her experience, while I don’t always feel that my own needs and limits are understood.
My wife used an analogy that if she had been knocked down by a car, I would have found the strength to help her. Her point was that she doesn’t understand why I couldn’t find that same capacity for her when she was emotionally overwhelmed.
I do understand the point she was making, and I can see why it felt like rejection. But from my side, it feels different. A one-off emergency is different from feeling like you are constantly the person responsible for helping someone regulate, especially when you are already exhausted.
I love my wife and I don’t want this to become about blaming her autism. I’m trying to understand where I need to improve. At the same time, I’m also trying to understand whether it is reasonable for me to have limits and needs too.
I would really appreciate perspectives from autistic people, partners of autistic people, or anyone who has experienced similar situations.
How do couples handle situations where one partner becomes the other person’s main source of safety and regulation, but that partner eventually reaches burnout?
How do you balance understanding autism with making sure both people in the relationship feel heard and supported?
I'm also just sad right now about everything.
Thank you for reading.
