So I got my diagnosis over a month ago.
I'm currently off work with work related stress and currently had early concilliation (I got my certificate to go to tribunal and a solicitor is drafting my et1 form). It's for disability discrimination and continuing course of conduct among a litany of other failures. But it isn't about that...
I grew up where I never fit in. I can't count now how many memories I have that hurt or crushed me. You could say there's a great deal of trauma there.
Getting a diagnosis, as I process it, did a number of things. Firstly I gave up on myself. Not to the darkest corners of my mind but more that whatever load I was carrying - it meant I could simply stop. And I did. I didn't know what days we were in, I stopped looking after myself and I just stopped functioning.
Because those memories came back - were talking childhood, college, friendships long gone. All roiled into also my work situation
Others would say I'm licking my wounds but really I think I was simply angry. Had anyone known earlier alot of the issues would never have happened. But the worst part was - so many people past and present simply thought it was ok to treat someone so poorly who was trying to fit in and that, frankly, hits the hardest. I have detested bullies and strive to be the person I needed growing up.
I've not picked up my mental 'sword' yet. I haven't dusted off my jacket and walked out of my proverbial personal hell. But it gave me some clarity.
The more I read up on what I am all about (divergent) I realise it's starts to become a roadmap to how people will react to me. And being the stubborn person I can be.. that roadmap will have only one useful thing - not for me to shrink or hold back. It's telling me that I don't fit in that box or need to walk into a room of naysayers. That's how I feel currently anyways.
I am allowed to protect my peace.
I am tired. Angry. And somehow little by little a bit of a spark is happening. I have nothing to owe and (hidden) social rules work for the those who want to hide. Or isolate people who are different.
So yes, a diagnosis can help. It can also dismantle any illusion your world has fortified itself around you. It's not a cure all. But it's a start. It's early days for me I think - too much to process.
A quote I've recently seen I thought I'd share:
"But here's the thing about people like her..
..They don't break like glass. They break like bone. They heal, they knit themselves back together, and they come back stronger than before. The scars are just part of the structure now."
