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Self-doubt / not being able to trust myself

goregoregirl

Hi. Hope it's OK for me to post on this forum, am from Canada and not the UK.

Last few years I've been really struggling with feelings of self-doubt and not being able to trust myself with things. I'm 20, in university (going into 2nd year, bsc chem) and I guess what you'd call highfunctioning [or whatever terminology is preferred nowadays.] Diagnosed in middle school / around puberty so have grown up with the idea / concept .Tend to think of myself as disabled rather than the new trendy terminology of 'neurodivergent' bc I find anyone who's using that is 9 times out of 10 trying to sell me some plastick junk. Not a lot of friends at the moment but am a good conversationalist and have a few, it's more due to non-autism related things (school workload/low free time, unrelated discrimination due to other aspects of my identity, recently 'solved' fatigue-causing medical issue.) Am a girl.

As you'd expect at the age I've been doing a lot more independent things lately / going without help from my parents more. I end up feeling very intense anxiety over a lot of this though. Some of this is due to negative events/things outside my control like bus overcrowding, a gas leak which occurred last year at my school, etc. which is whatever / have to just live with it but there're a lot of things where it seems like I mess up constantly in small ways and I feel like I have to double-triuple-quadruple check myself to ensure things are not going wrong.

I worry over big things like taxes, uni stuff etc. but also over where I put things in the fridge when returning from grocery shopping, safety walking home (even while it's light out, in safe neighborhoods, near other people), computer backups, all sorts of small things. The other day I went paddleboarding w/ my mother and one of our family friends and felt very guilty over taking the paddleboard (inflated) to the shore, deciding to stay by it because I was worried over it getting stolen, and then my mother having to come call me to help her out with something in the car (as she assumed I was coming back, and the park/lake was very safe / chances of anyone stealing a paddleboard are quite low lol.) But many small things like this add up and I feel like I just always am making the wrong call / judgement, like I just have terrible intuition. So I have to 'babysit' myself or else something bad/dangerous may happen (even if the chances are quite slim, and usually unknown to me, as I may be focused on other nonexistent dangers.) sometimes it's not danger related but instead, is this outfit OK, is the advice i'm giving good, etc. I know rationally this is silly and I have a lot of accomplishments/skills/things to feel proud of, but it almost makes it worse, that I can be in a difficult uni program etc. and still have to double check if I unplugged my straight iron before leaving the house, or put dishes away in the wrong drawer, left the milk out after making coffee etc. 

Anyway I don't know if anyone has any advice about these feelings or just relates or what. I guess this is sort of OCD-ish but it's not totally irrational, like I have done all these things before. When I was a kid I had really poor spatial awareness in parking lots and was almost hit headon by cars like 4 seperate times. So now I am extra worried in parking lots, and so on. It's a bit like when people talk about rejection sensitivity but for physical things rather than social. 

  • Good morning from America, goregoregirl!

    Canadians are fairly rare on this site, but certainly welcome! The UK majority here seem to appreciate different viewpoints from around the world.

    I feel like TheCatWoman expressed very well that you are certainly not alone. I have generalized anxiety in addition to Autism, so I also struggle with a lot of small things like crowds, driving in unfamiliar places, and the potential of my stuff being stolen. In regards to the bigger things you mentioned like taxes, here’s another perspective: For us with Autism, whether you are “high-functioning” or otherwise, we all need a little more support with fitting into this neurotypical world. I absolutely cannot handle my taxes without freaking out, so thankfully I have my wife to support me through that. For you, maybe you need your parents or a professional to deal with taxes? That’s okay!

    You are not broken, you just function differently. There are benefits to being so sensitive to the world around you. Heck, it may be because of your hyperawareness that you are so good at schoolwork! I mean, that’s a guess from me, but I hope you get what I’m talking about.

    Here’s one way that I personally think about it: Whenever I get down about my limitations from Autism, I can’t help but remember that my wife probably wouldn’t have been interested in me if I were more like everyone else. She has a history of dating guys who are quirky and talented, but are obviously not perfect. My unique social quirks from Autism/ADHD almost definitely played a role in us developing a relationship. With that in mind, sometimes Autism can be a benefit in ways you wouldn’t expect.

    I hope that helps! Best wishes from this side of the border!

  • I think we all have an oversensitive warning system that makes us catastrophise and jump to the worst possible outcome and then build on that so we have a constant horror show happening in our imaginations. I'm starting to learn how to walk backwards in my brain instead of forwards, so instead of starting with a disaster and taking it to outrageous and limiting extremes I try and take it back to more likely outcomes, like if my paddle board gets stolen instead of it being a disaster of holywood proportions, its just a pain in the bum, as I'll have to get a new one. I don't know what it's like in Canada, but here cars are getting bigger and parking spaces aren't and there seem to be fewer walkways. Because cars are getting bigger people can't see out of them, through the other big cars surrounding them, and then theres the numpties, the drivers who just back out without ever looking in their mirrors to see if anyones behind them, I've developed a head like an owl, for getting out of parking spaces.

    Unplugging irons or any other heated electrical appliance is a good thing to check, as it's a fire hazzard. I get the same thing about giving advise, but people keep coming back so I must be doing something right. I don't really feel achievement, more a sense of having gotten away with it, under the radar, unnoticed, take it away and hide it quick before someone comes along and takes it away or pulls the rug out from under me somehow.

    I'm not very good with clothes, I have very few of them compared to most people, I find it hard to get them because I'm tall and lots of stuff just dosen't fit. But I'm also very bad at mixing my clothes, its more like this top goes with those trousers and if for any reason it has to change, its an irritant, like a mental itch.