Hi,
I feel foolish for writing this but I feel the need to express myself in a forum where other people with AuDHD might understand in a way neurotypical people won't.
I was dating a woman who had an autistic child with challenging behaviour and another with ADHD. Through being around the children we realised I was in need of an assessment because to me their behaviour was how I was when I was younger. In January 2020 I got a diagnosis of ASD (at the age of 56) and three months later as the pandemic starts she ends the relationship by email saying she couldn't give me what I wanted and had to concentrate on her children. I never asked her for anything other that what I got which was time with her and her children, and I always said to her 'You look after the children and I'll look after you'. She drew me into her family then threw me out. Being part of a family, even if things are sometimes challenging, meant the world to me.
Ending the relationship at the beginning of the pandemic when we couldn't have seen each other anyway? The timing was cruel and it was unnecessary.
So I find myself being dumped by email, her telling me that she was deeply in love with me but stating a false premise of not being able to give me what I want. I never said I was unhappy with our time together. However, she could be very controlling and made decisions for me like I was too stupid to make them myself. (I'm a registered nurse and also have a degree in another unrelated subject).
When she ended the relationship she said I needed to meet someone else for the sake of my mental health. This is hurtful because she made it sound like I was trading in an old car rather than breaking the bonds of a deeply loving relationship. And it was the pandemic and lockdown, how was I meant to meet someone new even if I had the emotional capacity?
Then in 2022 we were at 2 festivals that year and fell back into each others arms. At the second festival she said we could get through this 'difficult patch' then gets into her camper van, doesn't invite me and shuts the door on me. She'd told me how much she missed me, slept hugging my t-shirt but then shut a door on me.
Then I sever contact because I loved her so much it was agony not being around her, but then I got back in touch when I found out her children were having serious problems which I didn't want her to deal with on her own and because I care very deeply about her children.
Then she insulted me in a text when I had a rare meltdown that broke through and I almost lost close friends because of it. Her text hit me like a wrecking ball because it basically said I had to understand the impact I was having on other people buy having a meltdown, the very thing which if someone had said to her about her children's meltdowns she would not have tolerated at all.
Then I find out she's keeping in touch and visiting friends of mine in Yorkshire which triggered RSD in a big way and further affected my mental health. She's a genuine expert in ADHD and ASD and yet she did things that she must have known would have serious impact on me due to my AuDHD.
My mental health crashed and I wrote a long text about my grievances because I'd placated her too long and put myself very much second. (I lost my job a year ago just to add insult to injury). She blocked me on her phone and we haven't been in touch for 1.5 years but I think about her and the children every day.
My concern is that 6 years after her pointless end to our relationship and it staggering on for another four years I'm still deep upset by it all and still love her. I know perseveration is a major part of this because I think about her in ways good and bad every day. I feel trapped in a loop which is crushing me. I find dating difficult anyway but it's harder when there's a ghost in my head that I can't evict. I've never felt so connected to someone and she said no one had ever understood her like I do.
Sorry to go on, it's an intricate story and I apologise if this is too long but I wanted to sketch an outline of what occurred.
Has anyone else had similar experiences?
Has anyone else found themselves unable to break the loop of thinking like this and unable to move on?
Has anyone found any particular therapies or techniques that help? (Because I'm unemployed I can't afford my usual counsellor who specialises in autism).
Thanks
