I need connection, but have no idea, how to connect. Even here

I remember collecting my children from school, the playground mafia was always present. At the time I did notice I wasn’t really one of the crowd, but to be honest I didn’t want to be, they are different and don’t talk about interesting subjects. There’s always the ones who are head of the parents association and involve their minions in every school activity. I’ve watched them clawing for attention from their exalted leader. These people just aren’t your tribe, you will find your people.

Your daughter will grow to understand you, my children did.  You mentioned feeling defective, you’re not, it can feel like it at times but then I remember I’m just wired differently.  I think your theory about the earth is quite possible and interesting. Would you rather have your interest and explore them, or be with the normies watching Love Island?

Those people laughing or asking what’s wrong g with you are not your people and they are also extremely rude. 

The Spectrum Magazine 124 has an article called "Performative Acceptance" by the Co-Editor Hannah. 

From what you described of your sister, it may resonate with you.

Thank you. I tried some forum topics related to space and aliens and wasn't satisfied. In some threads I found offensive posts. 

I know, that this place is not perfect, but so far helpful for me and I got used to being here.

Yes, exactly! Sitting on tge bench on the playground reminds me how I was a loner as a kid.

I stimm all the time, it helps me process all the information from outside. If someone stops me from doing it, I feel like too much energy boiling in me. When I'm stressed or tired, then all my learned social skills leave me alone and people literally laugh or ask me what's wrong with me.

When my children were younger and I had to school pickups/ drop-offs I found the school gates and playgrounds really difficult. It was almost like being back in the playground at school again with the cliques and popular groups. I tried to be friendly to the other mums but they didn't include me. I didn't suspect autism in myself at that time and couldn't;t understand why everywhere I went (school, Uni, workplace etc) people didn't want to be friends with me. Now I'm understanding why.

I did eventually make a couple of mum friends who were also outsiders to the popular clique, but unfortunately they both ended up moving out of the area.

My kids are older now so thankfully I don't have to go through the humiliation of the school gates anymore! Most friends I have are through an online group connected to my special interest. Some of the women on there lived in London so we ended up meeting up and became friends. It's easier when there is a shared interest as there is always something to talk about. 

Thank you, your response helps me a lot. I literally think, that I have some options turned off in my brain.

hey I get how you are feeling, I feel like being autistic is like trying to speak to people in a different country only you know rudimental version of the language, you can get the rough idea across but because you have no grace with it ,and people just dont like interacting with you,

its funny ive felt the same a lot recently even when I go out to socialise, wether thats at work or my judo, I have conversations and I feel like their fine, but like nobody wants to know you because you the weird one, the one that just has something off, I dont take it personally its just human psychology, I even feel the same when I find people I think are strange but it doesn't stop me questioning the meaning of human interaction when everything feel so hollow.

I wish I had some advice but I dont, but you aren't alone, the are messages from lots of other people who all know how you feel and the pain that comes with it, its hard being human without feeling like you belong.

Hey I wanted to reply because I feel your pain a lot. I am able to hide my stimming when I am calm and happy, but if I am stressed or tired it all comes out and I am very aware people around me notice I rock from side to side on my feet and look everywhere except where they are and I flap my hands a bit. I know it’s to help me calm down or else I’ll melt down. Can you explain to your daughter why it happens and that it is a good thing. I totally understand feeling lonely, I often feel like the odd one out or the very awkward person in the room and self conscious about what my body is doing. I do have some friends but when I am with one of them I am constantly monitoring myself. 
we are all on here because we are autistic or wondering if we are autistic, and no one here will judge you for joining in with chats or just reading them silently. 

This is how I interpret the current state of the forum in relation to your post.

It seems the forum is most useful for:

        1. Helping those struggling to find useful resources,

        2. Getting the support and compassion of others that understand our feelings.

But the forum seems less useful, as far as I can tell, for:

        3. Making new friends,

        4. Connect to people with similar interests.

These same 4 "forum-wide" aspects appear in your post. So I expand them in relation to your post.

Regarding 1. (Resources) NAS has NAS - Loneliness but this may not be very helpful right now.

Regarding 2. (Feelings) I feel the same. Sadly, I have no advice, I have just remained alone.

Regarding 3. (Friends) I suggested by email the forum could have a "Making New Friends" thread that could be pinned to the top of the list of posts.

Regarding 4. (Interests) This forum has a small user-base. It's hard to have enough overlaps of interest with others. Some are interested in outer space, though.

Reddit, Discord etc. feel like the wild west to me (maybe for you too). So they aren't that useful either.

I can suggest you try local autism groups, or themed meetings in your area or online.

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There is also The Spectrum Magazine, which you could send essays to (or share them here as you did now). The last issue was interesting. New one should come out soon.

I am single and live alone and do not have children, so you will have a greater need to be social than me. I don't have friends either. If you haven't spoken to your daughter then I suggest if they are old enough that you ask them about how they feel about you stimming quite obviously in public if they are around you when you do it.

You have written that you rock in public. If in a crisis this may be cannot be helped. However, could you consider buying a rocking chair and using it in your own home in private if you don't have one. I do have a rocking chair at home and have found it useful at times. If your child finds the stimming difficult in public could you try something that is quite discreet whilst in public?

I heard about Saturns moon Enceladus throwing its water, and it gets absorbed to the Saturn rings. Its also exciting, that the New Horisons reactivated after 321 days of hibernation, in kuiper belt behind pluto.

I often feel like all people here create a group and fit with each other, but only me- not. Its not a complaint or hate, just how i feel.

Thank you for your response. 

Oh I remember hearing about earth having a ring in the past, isn't there something about Saturn's ring changing and slowly being pulled down so eventually it won't have a ring either? 

I also saw this article the other day and thought of you (hopefully you can read it). NASA want to save their Swift Observatory that's slowly falling by launching something up to catch it and boost it up. 

The reason it's falling is crazy, 

• The Swift observatory is falling because increased solar activity has pushed out the Earth's atmosphere such that it touches Swift. This drags on the observatory and slows it down as it orbits the Earth, lowering its altitude.

I didn't know our atmospheric range can change, it sounds like the plot to a science fiction novel with a daring rescue not attempted before.

Do keep making posts, I always find them very interesting!