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Ending a friendship of two years? How do I move on?

DarkElf

Has anyone here ever felt the need to end an intense and deep friendship that's more than a year old? I am considering cutting my "best friend" out my life. I know that sounds drastic and horrible, but I genuinely feel the only way I can be happy and survive is via doing this. Like me, they have autism, and the one time I tried to broach that their behaviour was causing me issues they had a massive non verbal shut down that after 20 minutes of begging on the phone they finally got out of. 

1. In the past I've sent them a lot of gifts, nothing major, just small things they'd like. They got me gifts two Christmases ago, and that's it. I'd be fine with that, but they rarely seem thankful for the ones I've sent. The last thing I sent them was a really rare comic that I told them was one of my prized possessions. They said they were interested in reading it and thought they were sincere but nope, they lost it. The only other copy is like £70 online. Once again it's not about the money but the overall sentiment. Also I’ve hunted high and low for a PDF of said comic, with no results sadly.

2.They had a week off work and never told me. From what I've gathered all they did was get drunk at home with a FWB. During this week they promised they'd read that comic (it's like 20 pages long lol) with me and didn't.

3. In mid May they went radio silent with me. Entirely. I asked and asked what was going on? I asked if they were dating someone and had that person said we couldn't be friends anymore (we're the opposite biological sex). I got radio silence again. During this time my friend was my only connection (since rectified that, thank god) and I thought I lost my best friend forever. I was devastated. I didn't eat for 6 days. I could smell ketosis. I could feel my body ache. When we finally spoke, I tried to gently broach what was going on, and all they did was go non verbal and that ended with me basically apologising for not loving them enough while they knew I was starving and they did nothing to help.

I understand I sound like an *** here but there's so much more to this. I saw this person grow alongside me but the person they've became is...surreal .I've revealed vulnerable parts of me to them before and despite them been probably bi I've received homophobic language back from them. I feel they want a gay (I'm straight but that's another issue) best friend but also one they can basically abuse and use at will. 

So....anyone else ever ended a relationship/friendship like this? I cannot stand by them any longer. I just can't. What happens if I end it? Is it possible to survive without a best friend and confidant? If you got this far, thanks for reading. I do appreciate it is very heavy and uncomfortable at times.

  • yeah how do you literally not see a friend , just cut contact block them and make passwords to not see them even when you want to.

    but this sound like the is more to this, it sounds like a gender dynamic and a unconscious romantic element that you might not be acknowledging.

    my guess your a guy you have feelings for a girl who was a best friend but by proximity you grew into liking her romantically, and she's not interested in you.

    if this is the case my advice is to cut her out, if someone doesn't like you back and doesnt care enough to be honest with you it will only end in disaster for the person who cares more 

  • Could a mod remove this post please. I made a permanent decision regarding this today and just want to move on now.

  • I wonder if rather than totally ending the friendship it might be possible just to reduce the energy and expectations on the friendship? I have ended friendships sometimes because of things that upset me but then later regretted it and missed the person. I find friendships generally very hard and have lost many friends over the years.

  • I think that all sounds very intense and energy-draining. I wonder if because autistic folk struggle with friendship, when we think we've found one it can become a little too all-consuming. It would be beneficial if you had some way to double-check behaviour, like whether to send a friend any presents (you don't really need to), especially a rare comic if you can't tell they are genuinely interested. Sometimes you need someone outside to say, hey don't worry, they might be busy, but do eat something and try not to stress. If someone is also struggling, they might not have the energy to carry the worries of others. People can fluctuate how much they want contact with others too, though if you are a little rejection sensitive it might be harder to deal with that?

    DarkElf said:
    I end it? Is it possible to survive without a best friend and confidant?

    Yeah definitely, I think it's not a common thing to have someone who fits that role perfectly. I've never really had that in a friend, though I'm grateful I have a supportive partner who probably fills that close enough. Just having small bits of contact with others is possible too, you can find ways to support yourself between and help keep yourself on even footing so you don't fall over completely when someone isn't there? 

    I hope you manage to find that calm level in your friendships. Sorry if that doesn't make a lot of sense.

  • Sorry to hear about your friendship breakdown. Do you think your friend is going through there own issues in there life that could be effecting your initial friendship at the beginning. Did you see each other regularly in person? If not seen this person recently they may be having some sort of crisis, they could have difficulty with the intensity you are putting on your friendship and with confrontation. If you have done all this then just ask the question,  “do you still want to be my best friend ?” It’s a binary answer yes or no this will make it easier for them to make their decision. The answer might make it easier for you to because it sounds like you have done everything you can to maintain your friendship. You mentioned how am I going to survive without my best friend then ask yourself is your friend thinking the same as you and if your answer is no then you can survive without them. Being autistic it will take time for you to make a new friend without a physical attraction to them and start trusting your instincts about how much you share. My friend has been my friend for over 15 years. He has been a great support for me in the decision I make and being social tutor for me. I will have no choice but to let him go because he is dying of cancer. He is neurotypical and I am autistic he been my support network for all this time helping me with all kinds of things. He is straight talking say things how they are. I can call him and he always picks up even when he is sometimes in the middle of something. We don’t give each other Christmas card never mind gift to maintain the friendship. I will miss him terribly when he eventually dies. I don’t know how I am going to get on when this happens. I have created a account with the autistic community forum so when the time comes I will hopefully be able to get support from them. All the best for your future.