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Another case of loneliness

DustyShinigami

Hello everyone,

Despite having an account here and posting before, I did get in touch with a mental health support team via my job who directed me back to this site. Basically because after getting my diagnosis, I wasn't given any support. I wasn't directed anywhere. I was left to my own devices as usual.

Basically, I'm stuck. Trapped. Have been for a long time. I imagine so many are on the spectrum. It's horrible. It's suffocating. I feel like I am trapped between a rock and a hard place and I don't know what to do or where to go. Despite trying to join Reddit channels, Discord servers, post on forums related to interests, I don't actually make any new friends. Passing comments and that's it. I have no where to go. My town is small, boring, has nothing to offer me (never has) and I have no where to go. And no one to go with. I'm 39 and still living with parents, which is equally suffocating, especially because of so much negativity from certain family members. I have three problems that are either taking too long to fix or just seem impossible to fix. Three problems and three sources of negativity. All entwined.

I'm just so unhappy with my life and where I am. And yes, I'm on medication. Have been since I was 16. Everyone my age has either got someone, got married, has a family, working full-time etc etc etc. And here's me still stuck where I am. No friends. No girlfriend. And no job that I want. And I am morbidly depressed. So much so, my GP had to give me a sick note from work for three weeks. My current job, which I mainly do at weekends, isn't the right job for me. It's retail. It can get super busy. And I struggle to cope with it. I often get flustered and overwhelmed and potentially have melt-downs. I'm in the wrong job. Have been for years.

The career side of things I am working towards fixing. I went back to college in 2017 and then went to university and did character art for video games. At the moment I'm doing a mentorship and pushing my skills further. I basically need to put together a portfolio of work before I can start applying for the jobs I want. I should have one around August/September time and then I need at least 1-2 more before I can apply. So this is taking time. It's a full-time job in itself. The weekend job was basically just to earn a bit of cash. But ultimately, I'm not happy there. And the staff don't know how to help and support me when I'm at my worst. My manager is much younger than me and lacks the people skills needed to help me, whereas the other staff members are maturer, but old fashioned. So everyone has been a bit dismissive and ignorant towards my autism and mental health problems. One in particular, anyway. Every time I mention 'autism' they've said 'I don't believe in labels'. They can't handle me when I'm at my worst and they don't give me the right 'advice'/support. So that's one source of negativity. The other source is family. And then myself with my own demons.

And those demons rear their heads when I'm at work. Any moments when it's dead, I'm just standing staring out the window and overthinking things. I watch the world go by and everyone together enjoying themselves and just feel isolated and lonely. I enjoy my own company, but I don't like feeling lonely. And I've felt it for a very long time. More-so after my ex abandoned me; left me for someone else. Someone better. And then a 'friend' who'd agreed to do something with me just ghosted me by ignoring my messages. A number of people/friends have done that. I've sent them a message and they haven't replied, 3-4 years on. Or it's seen and ignored. So I have no one to turn to. No friends I can confide in. Everyone's busy with their own lives and I've just 'disappeared'. Withdrawn more and more. I don't even enjoy going out for walks. I've always found it difficult to anyway, but when I have, I haven't felt any better. It's lonely, boring, and I overthink things. I hate doing things for the sake of it. I'd rather go out if I have a reason to. A destination to go to.

I have a fascination with the paranormal/ghosts and would love to do some ghost hunts, but that's not something I can do right at this moment. I'm planning on doing one for Halloween, though I need to get some gadgets first. If that becomes a new hobby, that would be a great way of meeting new people. Hopefully. I want to go to some more gigs, which I've not done since 2019, but failed to book any tickets on time. But the few times I've done it it hasn't been fun going on my own; I've never met anyone.

I just feel so despondent about life and don't seem to get any pleasure out of anything any more. It's very difficult going into work, or working on artwork, when other aspects of your life sucks. I have very little motivation for anything. I watch videos of other people doing ghost hunts, or anything where a group of friends are together, and see the companionship and the banter and crave it so much. It's been so long since I last did that, I can't even remember. I see pretty girls when at work, or young couples, and become depressed that I have no one still. And I'm pushing closer to 40. I have no where I can go to meet like-minded people. And the usual ways of doing so don't seem to work, such as dating apps. I hate them with a passion. The only places in this town are pubs, which don't really appeal. I struggle with all the usual things that other people take for granted and they'll never understand why.

And I just feel abandoned by everyone. Right as far back as school, 'friends' have been all over me one minute and then dropped me in favour of someone else the next. I still remember in middle school when we had a trip to Drayton Manor Park, and a friend agreed to hang around with me, but when we got there, they 'escaped me' by hanging with someone else. I was left wandering the park for hours all on my own. And then finally my ex and this friend have abandoned me. So I want to make new friends, but at the same time, I have reservations about getting close or involved with anyone in case I get hurt again. My confidence and self esteem are just non existent.

Actually, I do have one friend, who's on the same wave-length as me, and that would be my mum. Though she can be a source of the negativity if she confides in me about her problems. She, too, can struggle with confiding in someone. And she can't confide in my dad as he's part of the problem. But once my mum passes away I will literally have no one to turn to. More than now.

I did start writing a journey back in February, which I've nearly filled up, but that only helps so much. Like with everything, it only treats the symptoms but not the cause. I will be looking after my sister's dog next week, which will help a great deal, but it'll be short-lived. I badly want another dog, but thanks to my dad, I can't. So that will only ever happen if he passes away or I get the job I want and can move out. Otherwise, as usual, I'm trapped. I can't get a different job either due to everything being retail or something I don't qualify for. Or not suitable. On the one hand, I don't need that job, but on the other, I need a bit of cash coming in. But there's no alternative.

So yeah, that's the gist of my story... :(

I was also pointed in the direction of a couple of other autistic support group sites, but one was only based in London and Birmingham. I know of no other support groups I can meet people around my area.

Parents

  • I can relate to a lot of it despite been 13 years younger. Heck, I only joined here as my clinician kept harassing me about it.

    What age were you diagnosed if you don’t mind me asking? I just tend to find these kinds of struggles are more common with those diagnosed young, people who are essentially told from their first years of memory retaining that they’ll never have a neurotypical life. That kind of thing, for me anyway, gives a lasting dent in any self confidence, pride and value.

    Retail work is awful for autistic people btw, I had a non active job in amateur sport (dealing with fans, hospitality, selling etc. so bordering on retail) it was genuinely making me very ill towards the end. Is there not maybe something like warehouse work locally or remote jobs (I do know most are crap pay though).

    For me and friendship building (I’d say all exist online, but no doubt a few distant acquittances would consider me a friend), I’d say a small bit of “fake it till you make it” works, what I mean by that is look into your positive traits and really big those up to 11 when meeting new people. I’m lucky in that I have just enough self deprecating charisma to appeal to certain people.

    Is your ex a permanently closed door? My ex broke up with me in early 2025, after a year or so of arguing (tbh my fault) we eventually reconciled. We don’t talk as much as we used to but she does cheer me up when we do. We found common ground based on general interests like anime and psychology.

    I’ve found journaling (I also started mine in February) a double edged sword. Sometimes I can needlessly ruminate on things in the entries I write. What I have found helped massively is poetry and short story writing, I’ve certainly made a few things bordering on self insert, where I tell an awful what of people what I truly thought of them, that may sound bitter, but I’ve also wrote nice stories with my best friend and my ex too and ones about my life so far.

    If you want to pursue irl autism groups, I’d just suggest to keep looking every month or so. I’m out in the sticks, and for years their were none near me until a charity near me opened one aimed at adults, usually diagnosed with autism late. It’s not perfect (some sessions can be kind of awkward) but I’ve had a few good laughs there and everyone is pretty chill.

    Anyway, I’m glad you posted this and enjoyed reading it even if it may be too heavy for some people. I personally feel this is, for me anyway, a pretty realistic depiction of the neurodivergent experience. I wish you the best, and good luck with ghost hunting and the portfolio!

Reply

  • I can relate to a lot of it despite been 13 years younger. Heck, I only joined here as my clinician kept harassing me about it.

    What age were you diagnosed if you don’t mind me asking? I just tend to find these kinds of struggles are more common with those diagnosed young, people who are essentially told from their first years of memory retaining that they’ll never have a neurotypical life. That kind of thing, for me anyway, gives a lasting dent in any self confidence, pride and value.

    Retail work is awful for autistic people btw, I had a non active job in amateur sport (dealing with fans, hospitality, selling etc. so bordering on retail) it was genuinely making me very ill towards the end. Is there not maybe something like warehouse work locally or remote jobs (I do know most are crap pay though).

    For me and friendship building (I’d say all exist online, but no doubt a few distant acquittances would consider me a friend), I’d say a small bit of “fake it till you make it” works, what I mean by that is look into your positive traits and really big those up to 11 when meeting new people. I’m lucky in that I have just enough self deprecating charisma to appeal to certain people.

    Is your ex a permanently closed door? My ex broke up with me in early 2025, after a year or so of arguing (tbh my fault) we eventually reconciled. We don’t talk as much as we used to but she does cheer me up when we do. We found common ground based on general interests like anime and psychology.

    I’ve found journaling (I also started mine in February) a double edged sword. Sometimes I can needlessly ruminate on things in the entries I write. What I have found helped massively is poetry and short story writing, I’ve certainly made a few things bordering on self insert, where I tell an awful what of people what I truly thought of them, that may sound bitter, but I’ve also wrote nice stories with my best friend and my ex too and ones about my life so far.

    If you want to pursue irl autism groups, I’d just suggest to keep looking every month or so. I’m out in the sticks, and for years their were none near me until a charity near me opened one aimed at adults, usually diagnosed with autism late. It’s not perfect (some sessions can be kind of awkward) but I’ve had a few good laughs there and everyone is pretty chill.

    Anyway, I’m glad you posted this and enjoyed reading it even if it may be too heavy for some people. I personally feel this is, for me anyway, a pretty realistic depiction of the neurodivergent experience. I wish you the best, and good luck with ghost hunting and the portfolio!

Children
  • in reply to DarkElf

    Thank you for taking the time to read it and respond. Yeah, my struggles are often too heavy for most people to deal with and understand. I think I've practically scared some people off with it all lol. I had my diagnosis in... 2017...? So I was 30 at the time. It came as a massive relief as it explained so much.

    And I agree - retail sucks especially if you're autistic. It's hell. Others have suggested warehouse work, but sadly there's nothing very close by. And a lot is often full-time, which makes it difficult regarding the game art. Something involving computers would be ideal, but again - the same problems persist. I check Indeed often and just get depressed and disheartened when the same rubbish comes up.

    And yes, sadly, the door to my ex is forever closed. Again - her doing. That's what hurt the most. I was nothing more than a stop-gap to her. She kept projecting her insecurities onto me, saying I'd leave her first. I said, if anything, you'll leave me first. And she did. But what hurt is that she severed all ties with me. Removed me from social media that we could no longer communicate. No doubt the request of her new partner. Though when I asked her to do the same to him when he kept messaging her, she wouldn't do it. So I went from having somebody to having nobody. Again. Disappointed

    I've never tried writing poetry; I'm not sure how I'd even begin. I did consider writing songs, which is kind of the same thing. There are some things I would love to learn, though I feel I'd be better doing that once I've achieved my main goal first. I already feel life is trickling by too fast as it is.

    But yeah, where I am is in the sticks, too. In a small market town that's been slowly killed off. More places close down than open, so I can't see an autistic community ever opening up here. It certainly wouldn't get the funding.

    But thank you. Slight smile