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Depression and trying to get help

TheB@ker:)>

I've had my diagnosis since march and have struggled with periods of depression for a few years but recently they have been more difficult to manage. It has always frustrated me when people ask what is wrong, and they can't seem to accept that I genuinely don't know. They tell me I must know what the matter is, tell me to tell them the truth but it just makes me feel worse about myself because then I feel like there is something wrong with me for having just woken up that morning in a mood and not being able to pull myself out of it for weeks. 

I feel bad because my parents are trying to help me but a lot of the time all they do is make it even clearer that they don't understand and I don't want to scare them. I feel like I barely recognise myself anymore, so I dread to think what they see in me now. I know they love me and I am so so grateful for everything they do, but is it wrong to be annoyed by them trying to educate themselves? Am I a bad person for finding it annoying when my mum tells me she thinks I'm burnt out or I must just be exhausted from masking all day? 

I feel like I'm living 2 lives. I barely see my closest friends, so when I do I don't want to burden them by telling them that I haven't felt happy in months, or can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. I'm exhausted trying to keep up with the lie that I'm okay, but I've already lost friendships because I just couldn't be there for them in the ways they needed me, and the few that are left I really care about. I don't really know what to do because my councellor tells me every week I should tell my friends about my diagnosis and everything I've been struggling with and every week I tell her ill definitely do it this time, something definitely needs to change, and every week I say nothing. It just feels so unnatural to me, I hate being the centre of attention.

This week has been okay. Last Tuesday I went to an emergency drop in clinic because I was really not in a good place and the woman I saw gave me some helpful tips. Honestly I was a bit frustrated because she was only asking me about my hobbies and interests, and she barely mentioned anything about the fact that I was bawling my eyes out in front of a stranger, but looking back it was actually very refreshing. She told me to dedicated an hour a week to sitting in my room, doing a craft activity I enjoy with a good playlist on and lots of snacks, I've done it a few times and it felt nice to do something for myself (just an excuse to have a sharing sized bag of popcorn and a chocolate orange bar in my room at all times). Yesterday @gloyoyo_ released her Brew Crew merch tshirts so best believe I ordered on of them from the US. I was annoying my sister about how much I was talking about it because I kept interrupting the show she was watching. I am very excited about this tshirt. 

Today I had a GP appointment in which she basically said try these things before we move on to medication, because they might be useful. I've had a few of these appointments before and they always end up something along those lines, try this and if that doesn't work we'll give you antidepressants, except each time i go back theres something else i have to do first, some other hurdle i have get over and it just goes on and on. Is it bad that i just want the medication? Is it bad that i can only remmber waking up in the morning already feeling tired, and feeling like i am the odd one out in every room, and feeling like maybe a drug could just make my life so much easier? I really dont want to feel like this anymore.

I really don't like all of these websites that feel like they're just explaining autism to a child. The amount of times this year I have read the phrase 'everyone experiences autism differently, that's why it is called a spectrum' really winds me up because I dont feel like they are ever actually helpful. Anyway, she suggested looking into these online communities so here we are. Feel a bit silly and I have definitely rambled too long, but I feel like I've exhausted all my options at this point, so if anyone has any experience in anxiety or depression linked to autism please share! 

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you so much, I really needed yo hear this. You've just made my day, wishing you all the best xxx

  • Hey, I can relate to a lot of that.

    It can be very hard to open up about your problems to people in your life, even if you intent to and get a good moment, the words don't always come out and the moment goes (if you even had one in the first place). And not knowing what's going on internally can make it even trickier to address.  Sometimes though I think we think we are hiding it and others do seem to be able to tell that maybe it's not all okay. Perhaps that's why your parents are trying to educate themselves on autism, but I can completely understand why you feel like it's an invasion of privacy. The rest of my family had enough problems and I purposely hid mine growing up so no one would have to worry.  I'm nearly 42 and I don't think this has really been the best strategy looking back, but it was the only one I had at the time. Maybe the big step of telling your friends about your diagnosis is too big when you are feeling so low, perhaps think of one part of it that is easier to mention might be a smaller step and give you a sense of achievement. It also gives you the safety of not telling them outright, but some small thing that might be bothering you, even just admitting that you sometimes aren't happy (a smaller piece of the reality), and then you can see how they react? Hopefully if you feel able to say a little thing, it makes it possible to say more another time? This is something I struggle with too.

    It's really good that you did manage to go speak to someone when you were really low, that is no easy thing, but sometimes a trained stranger is easier than someone you know. Then it lets you get it out and examine it before having to tell people closer to you. Sometimes writing it down in a journal, (or even just here to strangers as I do), lets you get it out into the world, lets you name it and then you might feel possible a chance to heal slowly? I don't think deep depression will go away over night, but all the small efforts can add up.  If you put it in writing, you can see the better how long between doctors appointments too. Maybe have something you can keep track of then what was said, so you can show them the next time so you don't feel you are starting square one and not getting anywhere? 

    And I don't know your @gloyoyo_ but I can really feel your enthusiasm coming through and it's making me smile, being really into our interests is a thing a lot of autistic people will recognise! Shipping from America takes ages too, I hope your tee comes soon. I have some clothes of my special interests too, and they help my mood when I wear them! Little things like that and your special 'you' time sound really good. I've been feeling very low too, so maybe I will try something similar!

    All the best, it's so hard, but I hope you can keep working on it all, it's worth it!