I'm not really optimistic about my future. For context I'm a 24 year old guy(sort of), black and live in London.
I have realized that I've developed a fear of socializing. I really do want to improve myself and seek help, but it feels like every time I socialize I risk feeling unsafe, all of the aspects of myself will not be accepted no matter where I go.It almost feels like I have to capitulate to the ignorance of others. I'm quite reclusive partially due to the fact that I don't really get on with people my age. I have hard lines surrounding antiblackness, ableism, homophobia, transphobia etc. I do feel like people's stances regarding those issues as they are quite indicative of whether people are compatible with me. However combined with Autism, ADHD and possible a PD, I don't have much success socializing.
I had quite a traumatic past. The emotional neglect/abuse I dealt with at home drove me to seek attention by any means necessary in school. This obviously didn't help my social standing, and I had to infer my status with people who would perform politeness. This social exclusion didn't actually correct my behavior, but rather made me very transactional. This is something which I have had to unlearn; not because I necessarily care about others but because it's not beneficial in the long run. In addition to this I did have to deal with bullying, albeit in a more covert way. Combined with my dysfunctional home life, this stunted my emotional development.
I have been able to get an undergrad, but I remain in the house most of the time depressed. I am very much not in a rush to socialize with people. I have found that I deal with a dilemma. Go to black spaces and feel uncomfortable due to not being religious and having disagreements. Go to nonblackspaces and deal with antiblackness. Even progressive spaces (think left wing,LGBTQ+, neurodivergent) are quite antiblack.
I am aware that there are spaces that encompass my experiences but I'm very hesitant to socialize to begin with, given that I am always initiating conversations (If I don't initiate I don't hear from people at all) my inability to discern social cues and the subsequent anger when my energy isn't reciprocated. Considering the disconnect between my personal identity and how I'm perceived and the fact that I live on this island (I hope that you can connect the dots) I really cannot handle making that realization again. Feeling abandoned by people 6 months ago had me on the bring of suicide.
I really don't know what to do. Is there anything I can do that will help me find the community and reciprocity that I have barely had in my life?
