Hi again,
I've posted on this forum before.
The short version: my mother has become emotionally abusive and it's killing me.
The long version:
In January, I received an offer from Cambridge. The offer was made by one of the most famous and most incredible astrophysicists in the world, Professor Belokurov.
Typically, academics set the academic condition of an offer to "First". He set mine to "You must graduate with at least a Pass".
But it's unfunded. As I live with my family in Cambridge (and my family also has an expensive villa in Spain), I didn't think that would be a problem.
In February I went to an Oxford interview. I almost lost my mind from tiredness. But when I remembered it, I scarcely recognised myself.
I didn't sound like myself on the interviews. I read a book a day earlier (based on De Oratore) and it was like Cicero was speaking, not me.
A few weeks later I got a funded offer from Oxford. Over 360 applicants applied for 10 places in Oxford Astrophysics this year.
I didn't want to go to Oxford, and my mother was saying she'd happily fund it (and she absolutely can, she earns frighteningly huge amounts of money and that is before any full, partial funding is even decided for Cambridge and my eligibility for a SFE Doctoral Loan being confirmed).
But at the start of the month, she found out I wanted to donate my kidney to a stranger.
She responded with insulting me, screaming about what happens to her if her kidney fails and I've already given mine away, saying my kidney will go 'not to a girl who will fall in love with you' but to someone who allegedly 'drinks, abuses and swears'.
She also said 'I need to push you as far away as possible' and the next day on the plane sat as far from me as possible on the plane and in doing so shot herself in the foot because I had a ton of space and she was cramped with 2 other people into a single row (and has POTS).
She never apologised.
She was promising to fund Cambridge, but something about her was upsetting her and I felt she wasn't telling the truth. A few days later I asked for birthday money (my birthday is the 12th April). She responded by insulting and screaming at me so much I have honestly never heard her say those things to anyone, and nobody told me those things.
She didn't say the one thing that would break our relationship ('I'm not funding it despite having a house worth over 250K in Spain and constantly buying clothes and furniture'), but what she did say was still very, very painful.
She also never accepted my neurodivergence. She treats autism as something to be beaten out of me. She listens to some fringe theorists when they say ADHD doesn't exist.
I never wanted any of those offers. All I wanted was a girlfriend to look me in the eyes when I get scared like that and think certain thoughts, and for her to say "Please don't go" instead of running away.
And I never had that.
