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Withdraw/Kick Off Cycle

Roi

Hi

New to the forum, just looking for an outlet to relieve some pressure. I work a lot. I'm and artist with a lot projects with public arts institutions in UK and elsewhere. It's a freelance job, with everything that entails. I also run a postgraduate art programme at a UK university, with all the utter *** that entails. It is practically two full time jobs with lots of responsibility and moving parts. Over the years I'm managed to whittle the shape of these jobs to my skill set: pattern and sequencing, lone working, independent research, programme design. Ever since I was a child I have been very work and study orientated, I like to work. As I've gotten older my capacity is less - I'm 40 - and I don't enjoy things as much anymore. I find I want to reinvent myself. I've never been good with keeping friends because I don't really like hanging out. I used to drink and do recreational drugs to manage this pre-diagnosis (at 36). I have a husband who I love and a dog who is my best barnacle. 

This is some context ^

Right now I'm in a cycle of withdrawal and kicking off. I can't take anymore information, but the acute thing at the moment is feeling like I can't cope with 'meaning'. This morning I was screaming and throwing things because of my husband's hand writing on an official document drawing too much attention to itself. Yesterday I wrapped my deerstalker hat round my chin during an assessment because somebody's presentation voice was too fake. Yesterday was really existential and I can't see the funny, anecdotal side of this once I've moved through the peak of the feelings. I guess I use humour and stories to managed how uneven my experiences of the world feel. But lately I just feel ashamed and tired. 

I think I'm damaging relationships and turning to AI more and more just to help me think through what's going on because I have so few people to turn to. 

I had a bad burnout nearly 3 years ago when I helped out at work by going full time for a bit, but I crashed hard after 6 months (they kept extending the helping out period and I was under qualified for the role) and I lost my ability to find words when I was speaking and this made me mortally sad. 

I don't know. I'm about to go back into work. Writing this was a bit useful - I guess I'm just looking for input and friendly advice from people so I can figure things out. 

Parents

  • Hey, I'm not really sure, but it does sound like you are living quite on the edge, so your 'window of tolerance', (as another member calls it), is very very small, which might be why you are not coping with even very small things like handwriting. It might lead you to be more snappy and fray at the edges of your relationships (and your own mind!). 

    I think as we get older, what we can handle definitely reduces, and the more you hit burnout, the smaller your overall capacity. Maybe what you used to handle is too much to live a happy life, and you could do with thinking about ways to reduce the stress before you end up in burnout or doing something you might regret with an autistic meltdown. What that might be, it is kind of up to you, Lotus had some good suggestions. If you can't think what to do, maybe if you can see a therapist they can help you work out what matters most going forward? If you think about giving something up and feel relief, that might be a sign? 

    Best of luck!

Reply

  • Hey, I'm not really sure, but it does sound like you are living quite on the edge, so your 'window of tolerance', (as another member calls it), is very very small, which might be why you are not coping with even very small things like handwriting. It might lead you to be more snappy and fray at the edges of your relationships (and your own mind!). 

    I think as we get older, what we can handle definitely reduces, and the more you hit burnout, the smaller your overall capacity. Maybe what you used to handle is too much to live a happy life, and you could do with thinking about ways to reduce the stress before you end up in burnout or doing something you might regret with an autistic meltdown. What that might be, it is kind of up to you, Lotus had some good suggestions. If you can't think what to do, maybe if you can see a therapist they can help you work out what matters most going forward? If you think about giving something up and feel relief, that might be a sign? 

    Best of luck!

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