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My daughter assumes she is being criticised when someone else is praised

Hayes30

Hi,

I am looking for some help/advice.

My 10 yr old daughter is very active doing Dance classes, Gymnastics and performing arts.  This is a great outlet for her and we actively encourage her in this.  The problem is that whenever anybody else recieves praise in these groups she automatically thinks this is a criticism of herself, ie, if another student is told she is good at back flips my daughter assumes that she must be bad at them.  This is causing particular issues with her not wanting to attend these clubs and coming home very upset, or angry with her teachers.

I would love to know if this behaviour has a name?  and if anyone else has experienced this and what you have done to support your child.

Thanks,

Matt

Parents

  • I suspect the issue might be that the teachers aren't seeing the whole picture of her internal effort. An autistic child may not have a fully solidified sense of self-confidence yet and might rely heavily on external cues to understand if they are 'doing it right' or are accepted.

    When a child puts every bit of their energy into meeting expectations, seeing someone else achieve the same (or more) with apparent ease can be hard enough. But when that other person is praised and the autistic child’s immense effort goes unacknowledged, it doesn't just feel like being ignored, it can feel like a direct signal that their own effort wasn't good enough. In a binary way of thinking, if person A is the one who is good, person B (myself) must be the one who is bad. 

Reply

  • I suspect the issue might be that the teachers aren't seeing the whole picture of her internal effort. An autistic child may not have a fully solidified sense of self-confidence yet and might rely heavily on external cues to understand if they are 'doing it right' or are accepted.

    When a child puts every bit of their energy into meeting expectations, seeing someone else achieve the same (or more) with apparent ease can be hard enough. But when that other person is praised and the autistic child’s immense effort goes unacknowledged, it doesn't just feel like being ignored, it can feel like a direct signal that their own effort wasn't good enough. In a binary way of thinking, if person A is the one who is good, person B (myself) must be the one who is bad. 

Children
  • in reply to counterpoint

    To add to my previous points, if you are looking for specific names for this behavior, in my opinion it possibly relates to already mentioned rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).

    I would also specifically look into zero-sum thinking, where praise for one person feels like a loss for another, and especially justice sensitivity. Autistic children often have a very heightened sense of fairness. If she is working twice as hard as her peers to achieve a result, but only the 'easier' success of another is rewarded, her brain flags this as a deep injustice. This may manifest as the anger (and/or disappointment) toward teachers that you mentioned, as she feels the rules of effort and reward are being applied unfairly.