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My daughter assumes she is being criticised when someone else is praised

Hayes30

Hi,

I am looking for some help/advice.

My 10 yr old daughter is very active doing Dance classes, Gymnastics and performing arts.  This is a great outlet for her and we actively encourage her in this.  The problem is that whenever anybody else recieves praise in these groups she automatically thinks this is a criticism of herself, ie, if another student is told she is good at back flips my daughter assumes that she must be bad at them.  This is causing particular issues with her not wanting to attend these clubs and coming home very upset, or angry with her teachers.

I would love to know if this behaviour has a name?  and if anyone else has experienced this and what you have done to support your child.

Thanks,

Matt

Parents

  • Teachers praise people not just on how good they are, but on whether they are improving, making an effort, etc.

    If you are quite good at something, you may not get much praise, as it is expected abd they want to encourage and not demoralise the others. They think you are sufficiently self motivated not to need praise. They also ration praise so in theory no one gets too much, but it is inexact and if your unconsciously keeping score you (because you are pattern matching) can feel hard done by.

    You may then try harder to get praise. So comments to others just reinforce the idea you have to do more.

    his makes you feel it is unfair as your bar is higher. Then you might just disengage. It makes you feel different.

    Thus is what I had, all the time. Including at home, where the bar was always higher for me and praise always muted.

    There is always the possibility that the more extrovert children attract more attention and get more praise just because they are noticed. Being quiet and competent tends to make you invisible. Which is good if you want to hide, but less focus for getting praise.

    If you are then praised it can feel very awkward, instead of rewarding. 

    I am not sure what the answer is. To say you are doing it for yourself and you don't need praise, doesn't really work when small. I suppose it is just to point out that the teacher has to encourage everyone and that as long as you are enjoying the dancing it doesn't matter that much. People may notice but not say anything, so don't assume the worst 

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  • Teachers praise people not just on how good they are, but on whether they are improving, making an effort, etc.

    If you are quite good at something, you may not get much praise, as it is expected abd they want to encourage and not demoralise the others. They think you are sufficiently self motivated not to need praise. They also ration praise so in theory no one gets too much, but it is inexact and if your unconsciously keeping score you (because you are pattern matching) can feel hard done by.

    You may then try harder to get praise. So comments to others just reinforce the idea you have to do more.

    his makes you feel it is unfair as your bar is higher. Then you might just disengage. It makes you feel different.

    Thus is what I had, all the time. Including at home, where the bar was always higher for me and praise always muted.

    There is always the possibility that the more extrovert children attract more attention and get more praise just because they are noticed. Being quiet and competent tends to make you invisible. Which is good if you want to hide, but less focus for getting praise.

    If you are then praised it can feel very awkward, instead of rewarding. 

    I am not sure what the answer is. To say you are doing it for yourself and you don't need praise, doesn't really work when small. I suppose it is just to point out that the teacher has to encourage everyone and that as long as you are enjoying the dancing it doesn't matter that much. People may notice but not say anything, so don't assume the worst 

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