Hello all. I am looking for some advice/opinions. My relationship of 4 years is slowly coming to an end, we're in the process of selling our house etc. I've been reflecting and researching online some of the situations I have been in during our time living together. For context, I'm a 40 year old female, I was diagnosed with autism about 3 years ago. A lot of the way my autism impacts my day to day life is by needing routine and sometimes, if I've had a particularly tiring day, calm on an evening. I am also very sensitive to noise. These are things I have had to battle for, and that have caused a lot of conflict during my relationship. I have a 2 year old son and my partner has a 7 year old daughter. I find I have had to repeatedly ask my partner for bed times to be 7.30pm for both children to be in bed. Of course if 7 year old isn't tired, she can sit up drawing or reading. This has caused a lot of conflict as my partner disagrees. At the moment she will stay in her bedroom with her until after 8pm, but all I can hear if the two of them laughing and talking. I end up having to sit alone with headphones in because I am so tired of telling her that I desperately need some quiet at that time. I have explained time and time again that the noise from games on a tablet are difficult for my noise sensitivity, so I have to ask for headphones to be worn pretty much every time. Sometimes, certainly not every day I ask for things such as the TV volume turning down. My partner said that she likes the noise but my needs will always trump hers, basically because of my autism. She said that having to consider the noise levels has made her feel like she can't be comfortable in her own home. Sometimes when her parents come to visit things become very chaotic, they're quite loud people and I find it difficult to sustain for a long period, particularly if I've been at work. One time I could feel myself going into fight or flight and so I made my excuses and I left. My partner was so upset with me and said I didn't make them feel welcome. I wrote a letter to them to apologise and explain about my autism. I had asked my partner to talk to them about it several times but she never did. I never got a reply from the letter. I had been really vulnerable, and while I know if you apologise to someone it is up to them how they reply, I still felt a bit upset. My partner never said a word either. I had to sit with them several times last year after that and pretend everything was normal.
When I try and raise thing about the house /raising the children, for example her child has started to occupy the bathroom for long periods of time - at least 30 minutes during morning rush, when we're all trying to get ready. I told my partner we have one resource for 4 people and something needs to change because this isn't sustainable. From that she says that I can't police other people's toilet time, and I've said that's not what I'm doing. I want you to come up with a solution so that the shared resource isn't being monopolised. She sees this as more evidence of my controlling behaviour.
My partner hasnmade me feel that I have been controlling over the environment, and I've been so worried I'm an abuser and I didn't know it. Also, once we have conflict my partner will withdraw and not give me any kind of affection, will barely speak to me for days, sometimes longer. I read that this could be emotional abuse? I just don't know what to think any more and I'm doubted my reality. I have thought that maybe my diagnosis was wrong, maybe I am just a really difficult person to live with. I've never had this experience before and it's left me so upset and confused.
I'm obviously giving you a summary,and there's more to it but I just dont know what to think any more.
