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Vanishing friendships and loneliness

Montekki

I realised I have nobody to talk to about these thoughts. My wife doesn't understand me and wouldn't be interested, people I know I don't want to dump myself on, friends I don't have that many of and it would be very out of the blue as I have only been talking a lot to one and she... Well she is the issue really. So I feel depressed, lonely and trapped with my thoughts inside my head. Realised that I either share them here or I really don't have anywhere else to share them. 

Like many here, I struggle to make friends. I also suck at maintaining friendships and keeping in touch. AuDHD means I can hyperfixate one someone and everyone else I genuinely forget exist. Plus, especially when it is a long distance relationships, and I only have 1 or 2 friends in the same town as I – the rest are abroad, we aren’t exactly on the same page with each other’s context so I don’t know what to write to them about. And it drops.  

Therefore, it was surprising, magical really when I clicked with a colleague. When she left the workplace for another company it was painful, scary, but we kept in touch and this was a relief. She was the person I could share things with and it meant a lot to me. Then, suddenly, radio silence.  

First of all, it is profoundly confusing. Because her last messages to me were asking me to remind her to respond to me in more details once she gets home from work. So not exactly indicating unwillingness to keep in touch. So I waited. Send the reminder she asked for. A couple of short unrelated messages over the next few days. Then a message asking if she is OK. After a week has passed I was getting myself wound up. Thoughts of maybe something actually happened to her started popping up and how to find out without being stupid, intrusive and causing panic. Until one day I spotted a notification on Steam of her and her partner being online so at least she was OK. 

But now it’s a whole different can of worms. I just don’t understand. I keep overanalysing, trying to figure out. Is it me? Is it personal? Or is it something different? Have I said something? I don’t think I have. Or am I just a burden?  Which is why I cannot really talk to anyone about it. Cling to someone else and mess that up also? I just feel trapped. And confused. And really depressed. 

I know that this too will pass. Even if it becomes another relationship that ended by me just getting ghosted. Another question for my mind to come back to from time to time and not finding an answer. This is the most painful though. And, at least how I feel now, I don’t just not know how to make friends anymore. I don’t think I want to. Getting invested, getting attached, trusting someone. To then just be left alone again. 

 

  • in reply to AutistIQ

    Thanks. Yes, I agree, any theory I may come up with is nothing but guessing essentially and all things are equally likely at that point. I am trying for the last several days to force my thoughts from trying to know to being OK with never knowing, from hoping to accepting and healing. But it's a bit of a whirlpool. Understanding something doesn't make the feeling go away unfortunately as I imagine most here know all too well. So I am just hurting and waiting for it to pass and powering through. All I can do at this point.

  • The challenge is that you are working with a subset of information, and therefore guessing.

    Relationships are successful when they are symbiotic i.e., both parties get something from the relationship. That may be direct and open, or indirect. Example, having someone that it is easy to be around and that you can discuss things with that you cannot with others (although that is one direction only).
    As the status quo changed - she moved to another workplace, then this may have impacted the symbiosis. Possibly that the relationship is now additional to other things in her life (as opposed to being an extension of work). The 'effort' for want of a better word, has changed, and maybe the 'what is in it for me' from her perspective. There could also be other influences that would completely knock thing e.g., she became pregnant and her focus is elsewhere.

    The primary is that you do not know, and without information from her or her partner, will probably never know why it ended.

    On other relationships, I am not one to be able to advise as I have zero friends beyond my wife, daughter and her family. I make acquaintances at work, and on specific topics, although that has lessened over the years. I remember the conversations that carried through to the early hours at university where we challenged the boundaries of the world around us. Those too were situational as the connection did not last beyond.

  • in reply to Hibs101

    In my case we have moved past colleagues into friendship. We had been constantly in touch for a year after she had left. So it was a bit more complicated than just no longer colleagues bit. We do also have a big age gap but are both of Eastern European background and both share another language other than English. And many other things we have in common really. I have consulted GPT since and it gave me a theory I think I can accept. Emotional mismatch that triggered avoidance in her. I think it is something that I can work with to start the healing process but at the moment all my energy is spent on enacting what I know is the right thing cognitively and keeping my emotional part from doing things that I know are the wrong things to do.

    I agree with you that getting attached is what was at the core of my problems here. Unfortunately making multiple "shallow" friends is the thing that I am unable to do. I can keep it factual and professional. But then they are not friends. My "boundaries" are very binary. It's either a thick concrete wall or a wide open gate. Which is why my life is spent fluctuating between functioning for years with no support network whatsoever and getting incredibly attached to someone. Which 1. makes me incredibly vulnerable and 2. is incredibly unfair on that someone. Also I don't know how to tell if someone wants to get attached and give you what you want. It would be nice if them saying so actually meant so. But as things go with humans - it doesn't. And it's not like I am equipped to read between the lines and catch on hidden signals. Such is the package...

    Oh, and thank you very much for your comment.

  • I completely understand where you are coming from. I have a colleague that I am attached to at the moment and when I leave I know I’ll miss her but I also know she won’t keep in touch with me as we can consider each other work friends but outside of the workplace we have a big age gap and have different lifestyles therefore I feel any deep chats we have are pointless because it will just lead to me getting hurt. You’re not alone and I understand how you feel. One of the hardest things I’ve learnt is in life making different friends and attempting not to get attached by having your own boundaries helps as different people can complement your life and offer you different things. Grieve over this colleague not keeping in touch with you and try distract yourself- join a club, meet new people. If you find yourself getting attached, try to only get attached to someone who wants to get attached to you and can give you what you want in a friendship. Hope this helps in some way.

  • in reply to Montekki

    In that case I don't know. If you can't just ask there is no way to know.

    Perhaps it is just situational. While you were colleagues there was a reason to be in n contact.

    I rarely keep in contact with anyone from previous employments. I never saw the need or point. But I am not sure why I did/do that.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    I have met with her partner. Multiple times actually. And had a decent relationship with him also. On top of that most of her friends are actually male. So out of all of the "reasons" I have come up with. This is the least likely one.

    Also, regarding my wife doing the same. She does.

  • It's most likely her partner was not happy about her chatting to you. 

    A married woman sending messages to another man is a bit suspicious in most people's eyes. What would you think if your wife did the same, particularly if it was about things you couldn't support or relate to. It puts distance in your relationship.

    While you worked together it was easy.

    You probably did nothing wrong. It's just one of those things.