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Reflections from my first two weeks of autism identity integration

sommersunshine

1. My autistic identity means occupying a liminal space

I have the privilege to work with high support needs autistic folks as a practitioner, and am thoroughly integrated into that world. In a way, I've noticed that, socially, that positions me as an outsider or juxtaposition to the group. I am an autism practitioner, they are autistic. I can't help but feel dissonance between my autistic identity and the construct of an autistic community that is represented to me. I'm not sure where my place is. I don't require enough support to belong in autistic places, I am positioned outside of the community perceptually, and yet I am still autistic. I am grasping onto the idea of border identities, ones that challenge normative heirarchies and positionalities. It feels reassuring that there is a name for my experience, yet emotionally I am stuck in a liminal place between worlds that aren't built for me. 

2. Nothing has changed and yet everything has changed 

I recently listed to Divergent Conversation's identity narrative episode, and at first, I was passive towards it, as my innital reaction was that I have been questioning for so long I am above the integration phase. And yet I find myself not recognizing my life, my position, my future. I don't know who I am or who I am meant to be. I never realized how integral masking was to my ontology, and without it, I don't know what's real anymore. That said, there is a freedom in world-reconstruction, all be it a lonely freedom. There are no expectations on me anymore. My life course is mine alone. And I am alone in it. 

3. The world is structurally ableist 

Every bright light, loud hand dryer, and uncomfortable seam reminds me I am adjacent to the normative human experience. The world was not made with me in mind. 

Parents

  • I'm not sure I entirely understand your post, but I live in liminal spaces too, for me it came about mostly by choice, I was sort of pushed into those spaces by others and sort of chose to be there and I found I enjoy them, I'm between the worlds in so many ways even physically I live on an island between the mountains and the sea. You're right it can be a lonely freedom, but you will find others who also inhabit that space, they may not all be human, whole new worlds can open for you.

    Working with autistic people whilst being autistic youself must feel very difficult at times, do you feel like a translator, a conduit where their deeply autistic world can pass through you and to the NT world?

    I also understand that feeling of being stuck between two worlds, I feel it in the real world and here too, I struggle with imposter syndrome because so many of the thing autistic people are "supposed" to be able to do well I can barely do at all and everybody gets impatient and I feel further pushed into liminal. I supose I'm lucky that my spiritual, shamanic and witchy interests have given me the skills to walk between the worlds more comfortably and with more confidence, but it's not easy, especially when I have to deal with the NT world, its such a harsh and jarring place with everything nailed down in one place where things can't morph and shift, were even the common language we supposedly share seem foreign.

    Sometimes I feel so deeply rooted in the liminal world that "the real world" seems alien and other worldly, I like it here in the liminal, the creatures I encounter seem more accepting and open some even seem welcoming, like I've opened my eyes to a much larger world than that of NT creation

    I don't know if these ramblings have been in anyway helpful, but I hope you find space and freedom in knowing you're not alone in the liminal

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  • I'm not sure I entirely understand your post, but I live in liminal spaces too, for me it came about mostly by choice, I was sort of pushed into those spaces by others and sort of chose to be there and I found I enjoy them, I'm between the worlds in so many ways even physically I live on an island between the mountains and the sea. You're right it can be a lonely freedom, but you will find others who also inhabit that space, they may not all be human, whole new worlds can open for you.

    Working with autistic people whilst being autistic youself must feel very difficult at times, do you feel like a translator, a conduit where their deeply autistic world can pass through you and to the NT world?

    I also understand that feeling of being stuck between two worlds, I feel it in the real world and here too, I struggle with imposter syndrome because so many of the thing autistic people are "supposed" to be able to do well I can barely do at all and everybody gets impatient and I feel further pushed into liminal. I supose I'm lucky that my spiritual, shamanic and witchy interests have given me the skills to walk between the worlds more comfortably and with more confidence, but it's not easy, especially when I have to deal with the NT world, its such a harsh and jarring place with everything nailed down in one place where things can't morph and shift, were even the common language we supposedly share seem foreign.

    Sometimes I feel so deeply rooted in the liminal world that "the real world" seems alien and other worldly, I like it here in the liminal, the creatures I encounter seem more accepting and open some even seem welcoming, like I've opened my eyes to a much larger world than that of NT creation

    I don't know if these ramblings have been in anyway helpful, but I hope you find space and freedom in knowing you're not alone in the liminal

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