Life After Parents

Yesterday, I learned that my dad has lung cancer, and that the doctors said there's nothing that can be done about it at this point. They're giving him immuno-suppressants or something so that he'll hopefully have at least another two years.

I thought he'd have more time. He'd already been through so much having just undergone radiotherapy to treat throat cancer. It really looked like he was getting better.

It's too cruel.

I've been dreading the day I'll have to go on without my parents. I tried living independently for two years, but it ended in disaster due to an unsympathetic flatmate. I stress at the thought of having to support myself, as I fear I have rendered myself basically unemployable. I have no relevant qualifications, I'm prone to meltdowns and shutdowns and autistic burnout and I struggle to cope socially.

I honestly fear I'll end up homeless. My mum wants me to sell the house when both of my parents are gone and split the money with my sister, but there's no way I'll be able to get my own place, not in this day and age. It's just too expensive to live these days.

I'm sorry... My dad's dying and I'm making this all about me, but my dad's news has set me off down a spiral of fear of what I will have to go through.

Point is, I don't know what to do. I can't function as an adult.

Parents
  • I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It is a really hard thing to process and can be a heavy burdon to carry worrying about what comes next.

    There is a good article about this subject on the NAS site: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/bereavement

    I honestly fear I'll end up homeless.

    Have you discussed what will happen with your parents? This seems a good time to do some advance planning and working out what the options are although it can be a reach challenge while your father is going through this end of life treatment. It may need to wait until a few months after he is gone for your mum to be able to handle such a discussion.

    Would you be capable of living on your own if you had the means? By this I mean could you manage organising bill payments, shopping, cooking, cleaning, looking after your own health (also dentist and doctors appointments) and be able to manage your own mental health?

    If you are then it will help to try to map out what could happen in several different scenarios such as:

    1 - there is no inheritance and you need to start from scratch. This is the worst case scenario but always needs to be considered.

    2 - You get the expected part of the inheritance.

    3 - You get a bigger part of the inheritance and are able to fund your own place.

    Remember that running costs of houses are high thanks to council tax, management fees (more common with flats) and with the probability of the government in future taxing property owners annualy on the value of the property like they do in the USA.

    Supported living is one option but it will need to be investigated to see what the conditions are like and what the requirements are. Having cash in the bank can prevent you from recieving some benefits so maybe having the inheritance go to a trust would work better. It is something to discuss with a solicitor at some point - remember we cannot offer legal advice here.

    By taking control of the research you can see all the probably outcomes here and be aware of what CAN happen so you can prepare. Sometimes the very act of taking control of this part of things can show you that you are capable of handling big, scary tasks and that functioning as an adult is not always that hard.

    This is all in my opinion of course, please do your own research and reach your own concluions.

    Our thoughts are with you and your dad.

Reply
  • I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It is a really hard thing to process and can be a heavy burdon to carry worrying about what comes next.

    There is a good article about this subject on the NAS site: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/bereavement

    I honestly fear I'll end up homeless.

    Have you discussed what will happen with your parents? This seems a good time to do some advance planning and working out what the options are although it can be a reach challenge while your father is going through this end of life treatment. It may need to wait until a few months after he is gone for your mum to be able to handle such a discussion.

    Would you be capable of living on your own if you had the means? By this I mean could you manage organising bill payments, shopping, cooking, cleaning, looking after your own health (also dentist and doctors appointments) and be able to manage your own mental health?

    If you are then it will help to try to map out what could happen in several different scenarios such as:

    1 - there is no inheritance and you need to start from scratch. This is the worst case scenario but always needs to be considered.

    2 - You get the expected part of the inheritance.

    3 - You get a bigger part of the inheritance and are able to fund your own place.

    Remember that running costs of houses are high thanks to council tax, management fees (more common with flats) and with the probability of the government in future taxing property owners annualy on the value of the property like they do in the USA.

    Supported living is one option but it will need to be investigated to see what the conditions are like and what the requirements are. Having cash in the bank can prevent you from recieving some benefits so maybe having the inheritance go to a trust would work better. It is something to discuss with a solicitor at some point - remember we cannot offer legal advice here.

    By taking control of the research you can see all the probably outcomes here and be aware of what CAN happen so you can prepare. Sometimes the very act of taking control of this part of things can show you that you are capable of handling big, scary tasks and that functioning as an adult is not always that hard.

    This is all in my opinion of course, please do your own research and reach your own concluions.

    Our thoughts are with you and your dad.

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