Hi,
Sorry this will be a ramble. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 18 months ago and autism last week. I also have historic diagnoses or depression, anxiety, health anxiety and a few other things.
I am struggling.
I don't know if it's the ADHD meds making the irritability worse or if I also have PMDD...pre period has always been an emotional rollercoaster and used to end up with me feeling suicidal until I bled. That's gone but I just feel so angry. I feel angry a lot of the time anyway, about lots of things. I have had some trauma in the past and feel like I have masked a lot, leading to burnout at times, but not sure if this is burnout or more. I also think medication is helping in many ways, I haven't had anxiety of any real significance since starting medication and don't feel suicidal all the time, can focus slightly more on one thing at a time but still get distracted and stuff a lot...
But the irritability and anger....it's definitely worse recently and more so in the few days prior to my period. The slightest change of routine or anything outside of what I expected to happen will cause rage and meltdowns. Driving is horrendous, people not doing what they should, or what's right or following rules causes high stress..things not being fair... I cry all the time. I feel like I'm loosing my mind.
I work in a highly stressful job and also add extra pressure onto myself with looking to emigrate so extra paperwork, courses and studying...as well as trying to navigate difficult systems and all that. I don't know if it's a culmination of life stressors, maybe burnout...or if it's medication ..or of it's just struggling to adjust to having a diagnosis which I don't feel like I should have or a combination of everything.
I should be able to manage these things that I have been previously, I should be able to deal with a small change in routine without freaking out. I went on holiday and booked a tour thing...the tour information was specific stating you had to make sure you were on time for everything and you had set timeslots or you wouldn't be allowed in. The guide I had paid was late and I freaked out that I wouldn't be allowed in and I stood in the entryway getting angry and crying and verging on having a panic attack. It was ridiculous. As soon as the guide turned up and we were allowed in I was fine. I can't explain it to anyone, I think people just think I'm being dramatic and am just an ar****le. I end up sending snarky emails or replying hastily to things when I don't understand something or am not getting the information I need, I struggle with other people being "incompetent" or not doing things that I feel would make sense or seem logical and this is causing issues with work.
I feel defective and like this will never change. It's not me being depressed and will get better...this is just who I am and it's not acceptable to be like this. I don't want to be rude or mean to say things in a way that will upset people, it just feels like at times I literally cannot control it. I think lots of people get a diagnosis and feel a little bit of relief. I didn't. I can't say I was surprised at the diagnosis, but it's a confirmation that I am just not good enough and nothing will change that, and maybe I deserve to be away from people and isolated because I'm just a bad person.
I can't see things ever being different, I've always struggled with emotional regulation and even though I am better at it now, I am approaching 40 and things haven't really changed that much. I get easily overwhelmed, I'm sensitive to rejection or any criticism, I'm a perfectionist who likes rules and routines, and I get easily overstimulated and lash out. Honestly it's making me feel suicidal. I'm not going to do anything...but I just don't want to feel like this forever.
I don't know if it's a normal part of the acceptance process after getting a diagnosis....but I need help and I don't know what to do and nobody seems to understand. I don't think it helps that a lot of people I work with saying things like "everyone is a little bit ADHD/autistic" or "how is that just not part of a personality" and it makes it worse. Because it makes it feel like I am just defective and if that's the case then what is the point? I have been pretty much isolating myself and have been struggling with self care since I got the diagnosis and have been pretty much crying at everything. I was also due on a few days prior to getting the diagnosis and have been on until today...but it feels different...
I don't know..I guess I needed to rant/vent and haven't felt able to, to anyone. I don't think I need any specific answers as I know this is likely a normal part of getting a diagnosis...but I just needed it to be read/heard I think. Sorry. Please nobody be worried, I am not at risk or hurting myself.
