In a deep place

Hi A . I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down. Your message caught my attention as it could’ve also been written by me. I’m not writing to tell you I know what you should do to improve things. I don’t really know either. I’m In a very similar situation myself. I also have a partner and a kid and I tend to feel guilty for not being able to be more what they’d like to see of me. Weekends are the worst. I couldn’t agree more. My partner is always full of ideas to go outside and meet people, do things, visit places… and here I am on a Sunday alone at home listening to different types of doom metal all day long. FEELING GUILTY. Weekends tend to be like today. My partner knows I’d never go to her friend’s to spend the day with her family. I just can’t do that. It’s not necessarily anxiety what pushes me back. It’s more that I feel unable to spend time with people I have nothing in common talking about BS. I’d rather spend the day alone locked in a car. Can you relate to these things? Being alone feels so safe. It’s like the only thing that lets me relax but I know it should be different specially when you have a family that wants to spend time with you. Pushing them away is a torture.

Sometimes sharing feelings and experiences makes us feel better because we feel connected to other people that know what you’re going through and viceversa. That’s the purpose of my message. Autism and ADHD (both my case) plus several other issues (anxiety, mood changes…),  can be so hard to live with. Weekends are truly awful but at the same time I am looking forward to them to spend time alone. I’m “happy” (sounds ridiculous, thus the quotation marks) I met someone who understands how bad I feel every weekend albeit the reasons may be quite different. I’m hopeful therapy will at some point reverse this painful situation. Medication wise… I’m losing hope but we’ll see.

Do you talk to a therapist at the moment? Whether it works or not I really don’t see a way out to feel better without a therapist. The key is to find the right one. Well, in a nutshell: know that you’re definitely not alone. I should interiorise and believe that as well. 

Hi, thanks for your kind response. Yes I relate to this. I know I should be able to fit in and do more with the family but I am screaming inside as I just find it so hard to just sit / stand there whilst everyone around is chatting. I think I have Rejection sensitive dysphoria too but not sure. I'm not sure if it's that or paranoia but I think people hate me and I can't wait to get away. I feel  sometime my partner and kids hate me too. I just keep getting triggered by the kids all the time my nervous system is coping anymore. Weekends, it's like a rollercoaster in just one day from waking up, the need to do something then that becomes totally unachievable and then I lose interest and get really demotivated. Just bouncing around all the time. I have been diagnosed with Autism formally but not ADHD but my therapist has recently mentioned AuDHD and suggested watching some youtube video's...  I do feel being on my own is when I'm calmer but i know I can't be on my own for too long. I just feel things are getting worse with anxiety and mood swings being so bad I fear I am toxic to my family.

Hi, thanks for your kind response. Yes I relate to this. I know I should be able to fit in and do more with the family but I am screaming inside as I just find it so hard to just sit / stand there whilst everyone around is chatting. I think I have Rejection sensitive dysphoria too but not sure. I'm not sure if it's that or paranoia but I think people hate me and I can't wait to get away. I feel  sometime my partner and kids hate me too. I just keep getting triggered by the kids all the time my nervous system is coping anymore. Weekends, it's like a rollercoaster in just one day from waking up, the need to do something then that becomes totally unachievable and then I lose interest and get really demotivated. Just bouncing around all the time. I have been diagnosed with Autism formally but not ADHD but my therapist has recently mentioned AuDHD and suggested watching some youtube video's...  I do feel being on my own is when I'm calmer but i know I can't be on my own for too long. I just feel things are getting worse with anxiety and mood swings being so bad I fear I am toxic to my family.

We share lots of feelings in similar circumstances. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is something I’ve always had. It is something that I think both autistic people and people with ADHD (and AuDHD) tend to experience. The tricky thing about it is to know when it is RSD and when it isn’t. I don’t know in my case. If you’re like me in that aspect when you’re around your family, I’m sure you also feel it because you simply don’t like the “you” that you are and would like to be easier and happier like them but you can’t. Then you start thinking they don’t like you either but it isn’t so black and white. They probably love you very much and don’t want to see you unhappy or suffering.

Since this is not so easy to change as we autistic people tend to have communication issues of all type, especially when we don’t feel good or are in emotional pain (I just get very enclosed and sort of blocked in these circumstances and writing is the only way but takes me FOREVER), why don’t you discuss this specifically with your therapist? You can also write to your partner about your feelings. As I said, it is possible to express our feelings in this way although it’s still not easy and definitely not fast. My 2 cents from someone who understands you.