I'm a 40 odd year old woman (2 years in on the waiting list for an assessment)
I was born with Hydrocephalus, but back then in my country there wasn't a lot of information on long term effects It's only a few years ago that my poor coordination and lapses in concentration was suggested to be linked to the above There's still research ongoing to it's possible links to a higher risk of developing Autism
My whole life it has felt like I'm 2 different people and am living a lie Growing up I remember a clear moment when I sat with other small children on a playground and was in awe at how easy they found it to talk to each other. I felt like a spectator so I started listening to the questions, answers as well as study how they acted and gradually got better and better at copying them, especially as I got to my teenage years, as appearing to fit in felt much safer than standing out All this was exhausting so I missed a lot of time from school to be alone.
At work I've been a manager for the same company for a few years Being super organized and preplanning as much as I can often means I'm working unpaid overtime but think it's a coping mechanism as did the same in all of my previous jobs. It is a fast paced environment and as I constantly need to be focused & pro active as well as communicate with a lot of individuals daily while appearing confident and bubbly, I feel completely detached and drained when I arrive home. I've looked at applying for less stressful work but it feels at my age to retrain and a getting used to a new workplace. Due to rapid expansions I've asked for a demotion this week as worried I'm heading for a break down, which I can't admit to my employers. I can't afford to lose my job, but feel trapped.
In between shifts the only thing that resets me is being fully wrapped in a blanket in a dark room with total silence for 2 hours which I couldn't do if I worked straight hours. In my personal life I've always struggled with sensory issues and life admin and often will leave anything important til the last minute and am a 100% introvert So complete opposite. Even as a small child I preferred my own company and as an adult I enjoy reading, gardening, art, swimming, writing, photography and spending time with my dog. I feel like I can breathe when surrounded by nature and animals, not people. I've tried to examine my feelings and know I am more focused and content when left to enjoy the above in peace but over the last year I have little energy or enthusiasm.
I have had no proper mental health support from my GP surgery for years after working up the courage to be open about my past, but have lost confidence in asking again as their only solution is medication A referral to Time to Talk was useless as they said couldn't help as my backround/ childhood issues are too complex (I suffered from neglect, sexual & mental abuse as a child as well so might have possible Ptsd) which made me feel embarrassed as they told me to go back to the gp which I couldn't face again.
So an absolute knot nobody wants to unravel, but I decided to go one step at a time with the Autism assessment coming first Right now I'm in limbo waiting as unsure what mental health support I have access to in the meantime as the waiting list is very long in my area? Any advice would be gratefully received