I was diagnosed as a muture adult after I had completed my undergraduate and postgraduate degrees and had been working for approximately 5 years in one particular field until I was burnt out, with aspergers. I got very little help and was advised to stop doing and simply just be, so all aspirations eroded, struggled with poverty and mental health, although I was less hard on myself for being a complete *** wit with life, I found navigating both domestic and professional lives very difficult that on my rest days I was forced to rest. A decade has gone, and although I mask less now, I'm still considered to be difficult. I am tired of living, merely existing, my life has curtailed to nothing, a shell of a person I am. Doctors prescribed medication for anxiety, when I was first diagnosed and was on venafaxline and something else, but it was an awful experience that had I been in a better head space I would never have agreed to be prescribed, the point is I was not able to make an informed decision I was simply too unwell. I become unmedicated 2 years after my diagnosis. Now, for a year I have been battling with dark thoughts, in the last 6 months, they have got progressively worse and I don't know how to stop them, I've tried meditation, relaxing my thoughts, keeping myself busy, but I find no matter how I structure my day to be fruitless, its unproductive and it just highlights that I'm a failure. I have no desire to go on, and I just don't know how to exit my thoughts, my thoughts are a prison and do not often represent my reality, but I live in my thoughts, and I'm tired. I feel stupid to broach the subject with the gp, and occasions when i have done in the past I'm often prescribed medication for my anxiety, which i politely decline.I feel its a luxury to be contemplating suicide when others simply just want to recover and get better, yet I just wish to exit, I'm scared that I'll carry my thoughts out, I'm sorry if this isn't the correct forum and I'm desperate for help, there is no one I can talk to about how I feel, everytime I try to discuss it with someone they simply put a plaster on it, eventually after a few days I'm exposed to my own thoughts, my days are structured alone, very little human contact, I find humans painful, to be near them gives me sensory overload as my mind just screams danger, danger .... I'm tired and my sleep pattern is awful, someday I can get 7 hours sleep others and most often 3 to 4. Where do people like me secure help, guidance so that on very very bad days I have someone to lean on. I say I have had dark thoughts for a year or so, but if I am perfectly honest and I find it shameful to say out loud probably my whole life, but often its just a dip and temporarily but these thoughts have been going on for at least 12 months and I feel like a failure for not have acted on them but equally proud of myself for battling on, and that if life simply represents being under a duvet for many more years, and letting it pass, at least I'm existing, surplus to society, and a complete dysfunctional individual that notionally appears to be functioning like a non autistic human, yet the reality is that I'm struggling silently.
