When I start to get into a better mood, I end up pushing myself to the other end of the scale and losing my mind. Call it like an alcoholic blackout, but with a racing mind. I’ll agree to lots of things as I feel more confident, and feel able to take on the whole world. It means non stop going out and meeting people and trying to take on different events, and slowly pushing out my needs, and not saying no, and a self belief that I can capture the whole world in a bottle. Making promises I can’t keep. And then I crash and wonder why I feel all over the place.
part of it is a fear of trying to catch up on “all that I lost”, part of it is excessive people pleasing, and another is just a very super excited kid who really wants to explore and experience the world to its absolute 110% limit.
this is not due to social media solely, I’ve always had this as a kid. one time when I was a kid and it was my birthday and I was so excited that I played and played all day non stop on the bouncy castle until I passed out and the eyes rolled to the back of my head. I seem to embody the same thing in adulthood but it expresses in another way (although i was able to completely unmask and take myself off the rails, I’d do some very wild things that are strange - like wonder off on an impulse somewhere in the wild and disappear or get wayyy overexcited or overboard.
its either this state of elation and impulsive excitement or a period of depression and self-hate, and the unfamiliar territory is the middle bit. and I’m really scared of myself for this. Anyone relate?