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I failed to protect her

hypercolius

I was walking yesterday when I saw two cyclists, with one of them yelling at the other. 

I have ASD (Level 1) and also appear to have severe ADHD- enough for a fast-tracked referral to be sent. 

The person who was yelling, a frail-looking man, got off his bike and began physically threatening and yelling at the other, a woman. 

She looked terrified and the whole situation looked terrible. 

I was nearby, I could have intervened. The man was about my size, but much older and incredibly frail, so I could have easily stopped him if I wanted to. 

Despite the severity of the situation, I just walked on and didn't intervene. I almost turned around to deal with him when the situation escalated, but I did not have my phone with me to call the police. 

I feel I'm a horrible person for not stepping in to protect her. Saying 'I will next time' makes me feel worse because next time I'm sure I'll chicken out again. 

Parents

  • By not directly getting involved with the confrontation you remainded a resource available to potentially go somewhere to get more help (in the event of if you had heard the situation further escalate).

    Sometimes, becoming part of the physical problem would limit other options still being available to obtain appropriate help a different way.

    Also, I am not sure you had all the facts available to fully inform your decision-making; as I am not sure you witnessed the initial phase of the issue.  That is not your fault, as you could not influence that fact.

    We each try to do our best under duress.  None of us know for sure how a given challenging situation will impact us at the time (or afterwards). 

    How we react to an event on one day is not the prediction for how we might react to a similar situation on a different day.

    We also ought to consider that not everyone we perceive as potentially needing our help always necessarily welcomes that intervention - which means "perfection" is unattainable.

    In an urban environment, from a street smart safety viewpoint, it is also worth just quickly checking off our mental list: "could this be a staged distraction?"  (Who else is around - I hadn't noticed them before - and are they seemingly more interested in me / my bag / my mobile etc  than the incident we can both surely hear?).  Sad, but pragmatic considerations too.

    It may not feel comfortable afterwards in retrospect; however, our best on the day, even if not perhaps matching up to our best intentions for real World considerations and also then taking into account our own limitations and safeguarding - just has to be good enough.  You are enough.  You took the trouble to be concerned about the situation - but sometimes that is all the option afforded us.

    After all, you do not know if your potential intervention might have escalated matters beyond your capability and resolution capacity on the day.

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    That is why I was so upset. It happened and started in front of me.

    Two cyclists cycling close together, when suddenly one of them began yelling at the other, got off his bike and started threatening her. 

    I was really disappointed in myself- I could have physically removed him due to his specifics without any issue. Instead, I just continued walking. 

    But I get what you mean about 'welcoming' intervention. I intervened like that in school against 6 people bullying a girl. The situation resulted in that girl spreading hateful rumours about me. 

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  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    That is why I was so upset. It happened and started in front of me.

    Two cyclists cycling close together, when suddenly one of them began yelling at the other, got off his bike and started threatening her. 

    I was really disappointed in myself- I could have physically removed him due to his specifics without any issue. Instead, I just continued walking. 

    But I get what you mean about 'welcoming' intervention. I intervened like that in school against 6 people bullying a girl. The situation resulted in that girl spreading hateful rumours about me. 

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